book review the five love languages

The 5 Love Languages Summary

1-Sentence-Summary: The 5 Love Languages shows couples how to make their love last by learning to recognize the unique way their partner feels love.

Favorite quote from the author:

Table of Contents

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Anyone who has experienced romantic love can tell you that falling in love is easy. The hard part, especially in today’s world, is staying in love . So many couples drift apart. Distractions , conflicts, miscommunications , and boredom can get in the way of what was once a magical relationship. Staying in love takes work. Relationships need careful and attentive nurturing.

In The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts , we learn the remedy for all problems modern couples face. Dr. Gary Chapman is a marriage counselor who has found a proven method for making love last. He has given 15 million people improved relationships by teaching them their love languages, and he will help you identify yours.

Here are 3 of the most lovely lessons from this book:

• As your relationship matures, communication is key.
• There are 5 different ways people give and show love.
• Identify your and your partner’s love language to deepen intimacy.

Are you ready to learn how to grow closer to the people you love most? Let’s learn how!

If you want to save this summary for later, download the free PDF and read it whenever you want.

Lesson 1: As your relationship changes, communication will make it last.

Falling in love is amazing. There’s blushing, butterflies, flirting, and infatuation. We see the world through rose-colored glasses that can blur even our best judgment. As unromantic as it may sound, it’s driven by the instinctual drive to continue our species.

After around two years, however, those relationships based purely on romance will deteriorate. Reality creeps in, and couples start to have to work to meet each other’s emotional needs .

How do we make sure that we meet these necessities? Cultivate a relationship that allows for open and honest communication. As the excitement of new romance fades, we need to make sure that we can understand each other.

The best way to communicate as love matures is to find your companion’s love language.

Just like talking to someone who speaks an unfamiliar language, effectively communicating with your partner when you don’t speak the same love language is hard. The next lesson introduces us to the five different love languages to help you understand your significant other on a deeper, more intimate level.

Lesson 2: The five love languages are the different ways in which we express that we love someone.

Most languages have ways beyond words to express yourself. The same goes for love: There are different ways to show it. Here are five Chapman describes:

• Words of Affirmation . Words of praise and encouragement are a powerful way to share love for someone. To speak this language, you give verbal compliments often. Make sure they know you love their smile, their sense of humor, or that new outfit.
• Quality Time . Work and busy lives can get in the way of this love language all too easily. We can be in the same room as our partner and still fail to actually ‘be’ with them because of our electronics. The key to quality time is undivided attention. It can either be quality conversations or quality activities with your partner, like date night.
• Gift Giving . For some, gifts are a physical symbol of how their partner feels about them. Remember that it doesn’t matter how much it costs; it’s just the act of going out and getting or making a gift for your partner that will show them how you feel about them.
• Acts of Service . This is helping your partner with the things with which you know they would appreciate help. It can be things like helping the kids with homework, doing bills, or vacuuming, and will be different for everyone.
• Physical Touch . Even in infancy, humans need physical touch to thrive. We often forget, but this carries on into adulthood as well. Some ways you can express love in this way are holding hands, cuddling, kissing, or sex . Of course, find out what kinds of physical contact they like most, and this will deepen your intimacy.

Remember: There are many ways to show someone you love them . Be sure to use them all!

Lesson 3: To be closer with your significant other, learn each other’s love languages.

Now that you know the five love languages, you can figure out what your primary language is. Then, with the help of your partner, discover what theirs is.

Pinpointing your own is pretty easy: ask yourself what you most often request from your partner. Maybe you have been asking for help with the laundry or asking your partner if you both can put the kids to bed a little earlier so you can spend time together.

It can also help to think of what has made you feel most loved and appreciated in the past, whether it was a physical gesture, a gift, or a compliment.

Once you figure out what you enjoy, it’s time to find your pain points. Hurtful relationship experiences from your past can guide you to your love language. Think of times your emotional needs went unmet, or you were disappointed in a relationship.

It’s helpful to think of family relationships in childhood, because these shape the way we are as adults. If these experiences fall into the same category as a love language, like disappointing gifts, or a lack of time spent with you, then that is probably your love language.

After discovering your language, share it with your partner. Help them discover theirs. Once you both understand each other’s primary language, it will be much easier to meet each other’s needs.

You can help your partner feel more loved, appreciated, and understood the way it means most to them. Best of all, you can communicate to them how much you love them, and this will be the groundwork for building a fulfilling relationship that lasts.

The 5 Love Languages is essential for anyone who is in a serious relationship or ever plans to be in one. It will help couples understand each other better by teaching them how to find what their love language is. By explaining the love languages, it serves as a guide so couples can communicate better and build a relationship that lasts.

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The 40-year-old married couple who feels that their love is waning, the 26-year-old newlyweds who are wanting to set solid ground for their marriage, and anyone in a relationship or considering one.

Last Updated on August 16, 2022

Luke Rowley

With over 450 summaries that he contributed to Four Minute Books, first as a part-time writer, then as our full-time Managing Editor until late 2021, Luke is our second-most prolific writer. He's also a professional, licensed engineer, working in the solar industry. Next to his day job, he also runs Goal Engineering, a website dedicated to achieving your goals with a unique, 4-4-4 system. Luke is also a husband, father, 75 Hard finisher, and lover of the outdoors. He lives in Utah with his wife and 3 kids.

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Every christian's journey toward eternity…, the five love languages: book review and summary.

This post is about the book, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman . On this page, you will read about its book review, book summary, best quotes, and the key lessons from the book.

Table of Contents

The Five Love Languages in three sentences

The Five Love Languages talks about the five different ways people communicate and interpret love. By knowing the specific love language of your spouse, you will have a richer and more intimate relationship. This book will give you practical and relevant wisdom in handling marital conflicts and promoting love in your marriage.

Content at a glance

Who is gary chapman, what are the five love languages, 5 love languages book summary, related books, 5 love languages book review, negative reviews of 5 love languages, lessons from 5 love language book, best quotes from the 5 love languages book, read the five love languages book.

🚨 SUPER IMPORTANT TO READ: 🚨 Editor’s note: This list of books is intended to be used for informational purposes only. Moreover, I have my own fundamental beliefs that may differ from that of the authors, creators, and sellers of the products featured here. Moreover, you can also choose to read books I have written or enroll in my best online course . Ultimately, whatever books you choose in this list, make sure you study your Bible first because it is always the best of the best books of all time Here’s a list of Bibles that you should have. Finally, I am an Amazon Affiliate Program participant . As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases at no additional cost to you. I would highly appreciate it if you buy books through my site . Thank you!

Dr. Gary Chapman is a well-known marriage counselor in the United States. He is also a speaker and author who have written tens of books, which include his most popular book, “The Five Love Languages.

At the time of this writing, he is the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc. Gary travels the world to give seminars about relationships and parenting. He also gives radio talks that air on more than 400 stations.

Here’s a complete list of his books .

Here’s a quick look at the five love languages detailed in Gary Chapman’s book:

Words of Affirmation

People express their love through words of affirmation or words that express appreciation, praise, and love. 

People who have words of affirmation as their love language feel loved when you appreciate them and hear kind words from them.

Quality Time

Quality time is a love language spoken through giving your loved one your undivided attention. People who have this love language thrive not just by the amount you spend with each other, but by how you spend time together.

Physical Touch

When a person’s love language is physical touch, he/she gives love by touching people. In return, he/she feels love when receiving physical affection. 

For example, some men feel loved when they have sex. Some women love when their partner runs their hand down her/his back. Sometimes, physical touch is done through holding hands, cuddling on the couch, touching arms, hugging, or even giving a quick massage.

Acts of Service

A person who loves to serve other people is most likely a person who speaks the acts of service love language. This person likes to help in doing house chores, repairing things around the house, running errands, and whatever service they can provide.

As a result, they also feel loved when their spouse does things for them.

Receiving Gifts

Receiving gifts is a love language that makes a person feel loved when they receive gifts. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive. A simple handwritten letter or a handmade gift is enough for a person with this love language to feel valued and cared for.

On the other hand, people who love to receive gifts also give out gifts as a way for them to love others.

⚠️ Must read: Sometimes, it is easy to know your love language. However, this is not always the case. You can take the 30-question quiz from the official website of 5 Love Language to know your dominant love language.

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The 5 Love Languages was written by Gary Chapman in 1992. It outlines the five ways how people feel loved and express love. These five languages are acts of service, physical touch, quality time, receiving gifts, and words of affirmation.

In the book, you will read the practical applications of each love language. Mr. Chapman used real-life situations and stories to discuss concepts and convey his message.

The author theorized that the reason married couples become estranged from each other is that they don’t speak the right language.

There’s a conflict because one spouse thinks he is giving love, but the other doesn’t interpret it as love because she has a different concept of what it means to be loved.

For Mr. Chapman, married couples would become more in tune with their spouse’s needs when they know this love language, speak the right love dialect, and improve how they communicate. In a way, this is the best method of filling the emotional tank of each other.

The book has sold millions of copies since it was first published. On January 1, 2015, a revised edition was released which is what you most likely read today.

Because of the great success and popularity of the 5 Love Languages, Mr. Chapman wrote related books that are addressed to various groups:

• The Five Love Languages Military Edition
• The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace
• The Five Love Languages for Singles
• The 5 Love Languages for Men
• The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers
• The Five Love Languages of Children
• The 5 Apology Languages
• The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional

There’s a reason that the 5 Love Languages book of Gary Chapman has remained one of the top books about marriage. It has consistently topped the best book sellers list .

Here are the things that I love about the book:

Practical application

The book comes with wise and actionable insights. It doesn’t simply tell about marriage principles, highfalutin words of wisdom, relationship jargon, and theories.

When you understand the love language of your mate, a light bulb instantly sparked. You will better know how to express love and how you can become a better partner.

Easy to read and understand

The writer is no doubt a prolific author. Not only that, but I believe Mr. Chapman has a wonderful team of proofreaders and publishers who make sure that the book is written in the best way possible.

Helpful advice

I believe the best thing about this book is that what it says actually works!

When I learned that my wife’s love language is acts of service, I was amazed at how washing the dishes, taking out the trash, and sweeping the floor make her feel loved!

I told my wife that my love language is words of affirmation and because of that, she gives me more kind and encouraging words.

I believe if this worked in our relationship, then it can also work for others and that’s exactly what I also discover in other married couples. They applied the principles in this book and see a great improvement in their relationship.

⚠️ Must read: If you are looking for other books to read, check out my ultimate list of the best Christian books of all time .

Personally, I would highly recommend people to read this book and not just the married couples. The book comes with super helpful and practical tips on how to make relationships work.

Now, I went to see what others say about this book. On Amazon, it has a rating of 4.8 out of 5 stars from more than 60,500 reviewers.

So, dominantly, there are a lot of positive reviews. However, there are also those that are negative.

I think the primary reason people don’t like this book is that it is written by a Christian . I read the book and I could see that there’s a minimal Christian element in the book. Although, you can easily surmise that it is written by a Christian fellow.

With this in mind, if you don’t believe in God, then this book isn’t for it. If you don’t mind a little Christianity in the book, then I would suggest you still read it.

Moreover, some reviewers say that the book is old-fashioned and should also include non-traditional marriage settings like homosexual marriages.

Well, if that’s what they want, then they should not read this book. It is ridiculous to read a book and expect it to conform to your values and give it a negative review simply because it didn’t meet your belief.

After reading the book, there are a lot of things I have learned. However, I would just like to share this lesson, which I believe is something we all need to take note of.

The lesson is this:

Love is a choice.

True love isn’t simply a fuzzy and warm feeling you have inside you. Love is a choice because when the reality of marriage hits you, you will soon realize that a lot of expectations are not met.

There are times when you will not feel the “love” you used to have with your spouse. There are times as well that you will hate your spouse. Not only that, there are times when you wish you were in a different situation.

That’s why love is a CHOICE. You choose to still love your spouse even if the “feeling” isn’t there. You still choose to love even if you don’t feel like it.

Remember that marriage brings two entirely different people. They have different upbringings, personalities, and habits.

There will come a time when the two will clash. Marital misunderstanding and fights are not a question of if, but when. 

Conflicts are bound to happen.

In those moments, you will need to choose whether to still love your spouse or not.

This is what true love means.

True love demands great effort, discipline, and conscious decision. 

We may all have different love languages. We feel and express love in different ways. That’s why you must be willing to speak the love language of your spouse even if you don’t feel like it.

Because that’s what love is really about. Doing something that you might not like but you still do it anyway because it is what makes your spouse feel loved.

Love is an outgoing concern and care. It is not selfish. It always thinks about the welfare of the other person. You make decisions, not by yourself, but you make decisions together.

Now, here’s the good news. 

Because love is a choice then it means we are all capable of loving. 

We are creatures of decisions we make. Thus, we need to make sure that our decision leads to a loving and caring relationship.

We can all make that choice to love rather than to hate, to care rather than ignore, to build rather than destroy, to compliment rather than to nag, to forgive rather than to be bitter, to encourage rather than to degrade, and to help rather than to disregard.

Again, love is a choice.

The moment you say, “I don’t love her/him anymore,” that’s the time you decide not to love. It is not because you simply fell out of love, but you simply gave up. A lot of marriages end up with this statement as if they are helpless, as if they don’t have a choice, as if they can’t do anything about it anymore.

It is actually not a reason good enough to leave a marriage, but rather it is just a mere excuse. Remember that you made a commitment before God and other people that you will love each other in health and sickness, in abundance and scarcity, and in life and death.

This one thing is true: love is something you do for your spouse. It is not something you do for yourself.

Love is a choice and you can start choosing to love today.

Here are some of the best quotes worth reading:

• What good is the house, the cars, the place at the beach, or any of the rest of it if your wife doesn’t love you?
• Isolation is devastating to the human psyche. That is why solitary confinement is considered the cruelest of punishments.
• The eternality of the “in love” experience is fiction, not fact.
• The best thing we can do with the failures of the past is to let them be history… We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history
• Forgiveness is not a feeling; it is a commitment. It is a choice to show mercy, not to hold the offense up against the offender. Forgiveness is an expression of love.
• Love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs. Love doesn’t bring up past failures. None of us is perfect. In marriage, we do not always do the best or right thing.
• Love makes requests not demands…. however, you make demands, you have become not a lover but a tyrant.
• Many of us are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. We forget that marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve.
• Gifts are visual symbols of love.
• We are creatures of choice… Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.
• With empty love tanks, couples tend to argue and withdraw, and some may tend to be violent verbally or physically in their arguments. But when the love tank is full, we create a climate of friendliness, a climate that seeks to understand, that is willing to allow differences, and to negotiate problems.

⚠️ Must read: You can read more inspiring quotes in my post entitled, “ The Best Christian Quotes of All Time. “

There you have it, friends, my book review and a summary of the book, The Five Love Languages. I highly recommend you read this book if you wish you learn how to make relationships work. Single or married, you will surely benefit from this book.

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Thousands of Amazon Reviewers Claim 'The 5 Love Languages' Book Helped Save Their Marriage

Is this the best relationship book of all time?

We've been independently researching and testing products for over 120 years. If you buy through our links, we may earn a commission. Learn more about our review process.

Full disclosure: This book was first published in 1995, so it’s not exactly new. In fact, it's been on the New York Times Best Seller list since 2009. But even after nearly 25 years, people are still singing its praises, saying that Chapman’s advice is as relevant as ever. In fact, nearly 74,000 people have given it an average rating of 4.8 on Amazon.

Moody Publishing The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

Chapman’s belief is simple: In our relationships, we all speak a different love language. Some people place more value on words of encouragement or quality time, while others crave acts of service and physical touch. The key to a happy, long lasting, and easy marriage, he says, is pinpointing each partner’s love language and learning to speak it yourself.

Makes sense.

Want to find out your own love language? Just answer a series of questions on Chapman’s website . From there, the book offers questions, discussions, and activities so that you and your partner can better understand each other.

Obviously, presenting your partner with a "self help" book can get tricky, especially if one of you doesn't exactly feel like your relationship needs saving, but it's worth the potentially tough conversation, according to at least one reviewer :

"My husband bought this, and at first I was offended. I didn't think anything was wrong with us and I took it as kind of a personal attack. However, we started reading it together and it has just strengthened our marriage. It has helped me realize that we are two different people at the core, so what works for me isn’t what best works for him and vise versa. I would recommend to anybody in a relationship that wants it to be long lasting!"

Another reviewer says it's worth the read, even if you’re single:

“I truly believe everyone could benefit from reading this book, even if you aren't in a relationship! I have learned so much about myself and it has made my relationship so much stronger, I wish I would have bought it sooner.”

The bottom line: At just $8, there’s no harm in giving Chapman’s advice a shot. You (and your partner) may end up being pleasantly surprised.

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The 5 Love Languages

The secret to love that lasts.

• 4.7 • 3.4K Ratings

Publisher Description

Over 20 million copies sold! A perennial New York Times bestseller for over a decade! Falling in love is easy. Staying in love—that’s the challenge. How can you keep your relationship fresh and growing amid the demands, conflicts, and just plain boredom of everyday life? In the #1 New York Times international bestseller The 5 Love Languages ® , you’ll discover the secret that has transformed millions of relationships worldwide. Whether your relationship is flourishing or failing, Dr. Gary Chapman’s proven approach to showing and receiving love will help you experience deeper and richer levels of intimacy with your partner—starting today. The 5 Love Languages ® is as practical as it is insightful. Updated to reflect the complexities of relationships today, this new edition reveals intrinsic truths and applies relevant, actionable wisdom in ways that work. Includes the Love Language assessment so you can discover your love language and that of your loved one.

APPLE BOOKS REVIEW

Gary Chapman's groundbreaking book has a simple message: Expressing love is vital for the health of any relationship, but saying “I love you” doesn’t always cut it. He uses real-life examples to illustrate his five “love languages” (sharing quality time, exchanging gifts, acting selflessly, touching, and using affirmative language) and lays out exercises for couples to figure out which ones they speak. The result? An easy and satisfying roadmap toward mutual understanding. 

Customer Reviews

This book is very informative and thought provoking for any relationship. I am currently trying to get my husband to at least listen to this book would be a game changer!! It plants a seed to be watered and grown into infinite knowledge regarding relationships.

Wife has told me to read for 10 years finally did and it didn’t dissppoint

Keep it around… will need again

Definitely something to read. Then using as a guide down the road. Great to check in with. Cuz things change for people.

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The Five Love Languages, Explained

Experts say knowing your love language can be the most important element of your relationship.

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However, love languages are not the be-all and end-all of a perfect relationship. “I look at the love languages as a starting point for couples,” says Angela Amias, couples therapist and cofounder of Alchemy of Love . “It all goes back to paying attention. Love languages can help couples explore how to express love in a way that the other person finds meaningful.”

Keep in mind, too, that you may connect with more than one love language. That’s normal. Amias says people tend to express love via a primary and a secondary love language—and potentially others that aren’t included in the original five. “There are more than just these love languages,” says Erika Evans , PhD, a marriage and family therapist based in Pennsylvania. “These are just the five overarching themes that came out of Chapman’s particular research.”

If you’re interested in trying love languages as a way to strengthen your relationship (or attract a new one), we’ve laid out everything you need to know below. Each love language is straightforward—the key is discovering which you and your partner respond to the most, then regularly putting them into practice.

What are the five love languages?

Words of affirmation.

These are verbal expressions of care and affection. Think: “Thanks for putting the kids to bed” or “You looked really nice today.” Typically, the less generic and more specific the words, the more meaningful they feel to the recipient. Conversely, insults can be particularly upsetting to people who favor words of affirmation.

Tangible and intangible items that make you feel appreciated or noticed. Going to your partner’s concert, for example, is as much a gift as flowers or the new wine decanter they want. To individuals who favor this love language, the absence of everyday gestures or a missed special occasion are particularly hurtful.

Acts of service

Doing something helpful or kind for your partner. Think: Waking up with the baby in the middle of the night even when it’s not your turn, or doing the dishes so your partner can relax. For someone who favors acts of service, ambivalence or a lack of support are more damaging than anything else.

Quality time

Quality time is a part of every relationship—but people who experience this as a love language will feel the benefits more keenly, and crave time where both people are present without distraction. Quality time constitutes engaging in an activity together, particularly one you both enjoy, like a walk after dinner or watching TV with a platter of nachos. If this is your love language, having a distracted or distant partner that makes you feel unseen or unheard is the biggest pitfall.

Physical touch

Physical expressions of love, whether sexual or more platonic—holding hands, a back scratch, a hug, a kiss, intercourse. The absence of such can leave these individuals feeling isolated in a relationship.

Identify your love language (and your partner’s)

It’s important to know both, because you’ll be better equipped to meet your partner’s emotional needs and recognize when they’re trying to show you love, as well as help them understand how to show you love. “Without this knowledge, you can miss that your partner is being loving and caring,” says Robin R. Milhausen, PhD, associate chair, department of family relations and applied nutrition at the University of Guelph. For example, your partner might think getting you flowers is a gesture of love, when in reality, all you want is a compliment about how nice you look.

Rather than letting this lack of communication lead to a vicious cycle of resentment, start thinking about how you like to give and receive love, says Milhausen. Ask yourself: When I want to show affection, how do I do it? Do you cook a really nice meal? Or maybe you send an appreciative text or buy concert tickets. Often, the way you express love can provide clues about what kind of love you most appreciate, says Milhausen.

Next, think about what makes you feel most loved and cared for. Do you feel closest to your partner when they do something helpful, or do you crave physical touch? Dig deep by thinking back to all your past relationships—both romantic and otherwise, says Milhausen.

You can also take this 10- to 15-minute quiz to help pinpoint your primary love language. Once you do, communicate your results to your partner to help them better understand what makes you feel appreciated. (Bonus points if they take the quiz, too.)

Practice each love language

Here are easy ways to make your love known to someone with a different primary love language than yours.

“Pay attention to the thoughts you have about the person and work on vocalizing them,” Amias says. Essentially, leave a paper trail of your love through handwritten notes, spontaneous texts, and meaningful, specific compliments.

What to get the expert gift giver? Amias recommends starting small. “These gifts don’t have to be extravagant. They’re little representations of feelings and show how much you know your partner and how you pay attention to what they like,” she says. Another alternative? You can’t go wrong with the usual flowers and chocolate.

Step one? Get into the mindset of wanting to show your partner love nonverbally. That will help reframe tasks that seem like chores, carpooling, and doing the dishes into expressions of love.

Work on being fully present with your partner. Amias says that the biggest barrier to quality time is the use of cellphones. “People whose love language is quality time will feel hurt if the partner is always checking their phone or half-listening while doing other things,” Amias says. Other tips include starting a shared passion or hobby together, or making long walks a staple in the routine.

Look for opportunities to physically connect with your loved one, whether that’s a hug as you’re crossing paths in the morning or a squeeze on the knee underneath a table during a dinner out with friends.

Grow beyond this “starting place”

Amias cautions against relying on the love languages to entirely guide your relationship: “It can become too transactional.” For example, you shouldn’t be thinking, If my love language is quality time and your love language is acts of service, if you spent 30 minutes talking to me, then I will rake the leaves.

Exchanges like this shift the focus away from what should be at the core of the relationship: presence and connection. Instead of becoming myopically focused on speaking your partner’s love language (and having them speak yours), think of the love languages as a starting point for tending to your relationship with a sense of generosity and goodwill.

Also, remember that the ways you give and want to receive love can shift over time (and on the other person). If your heart is saying you want quality time with someone but the love languages quiz told you your primary language is physical touch, don’t get too caught up on it. You—and your love—contain multitudes.

Brigitt is a writer, editor and craft stylist with nearly 15 years of experience. She specializes in lifestyle topics, including home, health, parenting, beauty, style, food, entertaining, travel and weddings. She has written for Glamour, People, Good Housekeeping, Women's Health, Real Simple, Martha Stewart, Apartment Therapy, The Spruce, and more.

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The 5 Love Languages by Gary D. Chapman

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The Book in Three Sentences

• People speak different love languages
• After many years of marriage counseling, Chapman’s conclusion is that there are five emotional love languages—five ways that people speak and understand emotional love.
• Chapman believes that once you identify and learn to speak your spouse’s primary love language, you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage.

The Five Big Ideas

• We have been led to believe that if we are really in love, it will last forever. However, once the experience of falling in love has run its course, we return to the world of reality and begin to assert ourselves.
• Some couples believe that the end of the “in-love” experience means they have only two options: a life of misery with their spouse or jump ship and try again.
• However, there is a third and better alternative: We can recognize the in-love experience for what it was—a temporary emotional high—and now pursue “real love” with our spouse.
• Your partner’s complaints are the most powerful indicators of her primary love language.
• There is nothing more powerful than loving your partner even when they’re not responding positively.

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The 5 love languages.

• Words of affirmation
• Quality time
• Receiving gifts
• Acts of service
• Physical touch

The 5 Love Languages Summary

Chapman is convinced that keeping the emotional love tank full is as important to a marriage as maintaining the proper oil level is to an automobile.

When your spouse’s emotional love tank is full and they feel secure in your love, the whole world looks bright and your spouse will move out to reach their highest potential in life.

Verbal compliments, or words of appreciation, are powerful communicators of love.

Giving verbal compliments is one way to express words of affirmation to your spouse. Another dialect is encouraging words.

We must first learn what is important to our spouse. Only then can we give encouragement.

Sometimes our words say one thing, but our tone of voice says another.

We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday.

When you make a request of your spouse, you are affirming his or her worth and abilities. You are introducing the element of choice. This is important because we cannot get emotional love by way of demand.

If your mate’s primary love language is quality time, your spouse simply wants you, being with them, spending time.

Spending time with your mate in a common pursuit communicates that you care about each other, that you enjoy being with each other, that you like to do things together.

One of the most common dialects is that of quality conversation. By quality conversation, Chapman means sympathetic dialogue where two individuals are sharing their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context.

Words of affirmation focus on what we are saying, whereas quality conversation focuses on what we are hearing.

We must be willing to give advice but only when it is requested and never in a condescending manner.

Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?” When you think you have the answer, confirm it. For example, “It sounds to me like you are feeling disappointed because I forgot.”

One way to learn new patterns is to establish a daily sharing time in which each of you will talk about three things that happened to you that day and how you feel about them. Chapman calls this the “Minimum Daily Requirement” for a healthy marriage.

The essential ingredients in a quality activity are:

• At least one of you wants to do it
• The other is willing to do it
• Both of you know why you are doing it—to express love by being together.

A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.”

Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts.

By acts of service, Chapman means doing things you know your spouse would like you to do.

Love is a choice and cannot be coerced.

Each of us must decide daily to love or not to love our spouses. If we choose to love, then expressing it in the way in which our spouse requests will make our love most effective emotionally.

People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need.

Don’t make the mistake of believing that the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to her.

A common mistake many men make is assuming that physical touch is their primary love language because they desire sexual intercourse so intensely.

Most sexual problems in marriage have little to do with physical technique but everything to do with meeting emotional needs.

If your deepest pain is the critical, judgmental words of your spouse, then perhaps your love language is words of affirmation.

Chapman suggests three ways to discover your own primary love language:

• What does your spouse do or fail to do that hurts you most deeply? The opposite of what hurts you most is probably your love language.
• What have you most often requested of your spouse? The thing you have most often requested is likely the thing that would make you feel most loved.
• In what way do you regularly express love to your spouse? Your method of expressing love may be an indication that that would also make you feel loved.

Almost never do two people fall in love on the same day, and almost never do they fall out of love on the same day. Chapman calls this “The disequilibrium of the ‘in-love’ experience.”

Love is not the answer to everything, but it creates a climate of security in which we can seek answers to those things that bother us.

Can emotional love be reborn in a marriage? You bet. The key is to learn the primary love language of your spouse and choose to speak it.

• How does your spouse respond when you try to show affection?
• On a scale of 0–10, how full is your love tank?
• Can you pinpoint a time in your marriage when “reality” set in? How did this affect your relationship, for better or worse?
• What would you most like to hear your spouse say to you?
• What in your marriage detracts from spending quality time?
• Reflect on ways to give gifts even if finances are tight.
• Many acts of service will involve household chores, but not all. What are some non-chore ways of serving your mate?
• Recall some non-sexual “touching times” that enhanced intimacy between the two of you.
• Do you think by now you have a good sense of what your spouse’s love language is? How about them for you? What more could you do to explore this?
• A key thought here is the idea of speaking our mate’s love language whether or not it is natural for us. Why is this so fundamental to a healthy marriage?
• What does your spouse do to make you feel more “significant”? How about what you do for them?

Recommended Reading

If you like The 5 Love Languages , you may also enjoy the following books:

• Awaken The Giant Within : How to Take Immediate Control of Your Mental, Emotional, Physical and Financial Destiny by Anthony Robbins
• Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs
• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change by Stephen R. Covey

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What Are the 5 Love Languages? Understanding Them Might Help Your Relationship

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Who hasn’t had an argument that boiled down to a partner ultimately not understanding that “words of affirmation” are essential to your sense of trust in a relationship, or that what you appreciate most, over gift-giving, is your partner doing an act of service and emptying the dishwasher for you. Even if you haven’t taken the “What is your love language?” quiz at some point, many of the concepts have real-life applications that may have shown up in your personal relationships. The phrase has been ubiquitous since Dr. Gary Chapman released his best-selling relationship book, The Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts , in 2015. The first in a series that now spans 11 books, the five love languages has given people a practical way to stay connected — and stay in love by respecting and nurturing your partners’ (and friends’, and other loved ones’) love languages.

But what are the five “love languages,” exactly — and how does understanding them help our relationships ? It’s all about knowing what it takes for a person to feel loved and affirmed, Chapman tells SheKnows.

After many years of counseling couples in crisis, Chapman says, “It became apparent to me that what makes one person feel loved isn’t always the same for their spouse or partner,” he explains. “I discovered every person understands and receives love in a specific language, one of five to be precise. The other four are just as important and offer [other] ways to express love to each other.”

Dr. Tina B. Tessina, a psychotherapist and the author of Dr. Romance’s Guide to Finding Love Toda y , also sees the value of using the five love languages to demonstrate love. “Understanding your own ways of expressing love, and your partner’s, and understanding how your expressions of love are different or similar means you know when you’re loving your partner the way you want to and when you’re loving your partner in his or her favorite way,” she tells SheKnows. “You can understand better why some things work between you and others don’t . You can learn to recognize when your partner is sending you love, even if it’s not the way you’re used to.”

According to Chapman, taking the time to learn and really understand your partner’s primary love language, which is often different from your own , can improve communication and strengthen your bond.

What Are The 5 Love Languages?

But what are the five different love languages — and what do they look like in practice? Here’s what you need to know.

Words of affirmation

According to Chapman, people with this love language need to hear their partner say “I love you.” Even better: including the reasons behind the love through leaving them a voice message or a written note or talking to them directly with sincere words of kindness and affirmation.

Other examples from Tessina include saying things like: “Thank you,” “That was nice of you,” or “I appreciate what you did.” Affirming both your love and their efforts is much appreciated. 

Quality time

If quality time is your partner’s love language, it’s all about giving your partner your undivided attention and being fully present when you’re with them, says Chapman. That means no TV, no chores, no scrolling through Instagram or TikTok on your phone — just giving each other your undivided attention. Take time every day to do this.

“Spending time with your partner is about being together, paying attention to each other, sharing something meaningful together, and listening and communicating,” adds Tessina. Other examples include preparing dinner together and talking while preparing and eating it, sharing plans for the future, making love, or creating something together.

Receiving gifts

The person who loves this language is not necessarily materialistic (that’s a misnomer), but thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. 

“The thing that works best is picking the right gift that shows you understand your partner and the effort you made to express love,” says Chapman. “Think about finding a gift that your partner has been asking for or would enjoy receiving and plan for a special way of giving it; make it a surprise.”

The act of giving a gift tells your partner you cared enough to think about them in advance and go out of your way to get something to make your partner smile, says Tessina.

Acts of service

This language includes anything you do to ease the burden of responsibility, like vacuuming the floors, going grocery shopping, or sending thank-you notes. Stumped as to what your partner needs? Chapman suggests actually asking your partner to give ideas for things they’d like you to do that would make their life easier, and make a schedule to get them done. That alone, the asking, can feel like an act of service because it communicates the intention. 

Simple things like making breakfast in bed or walking the dog demonstrate you care about your partner and your life together, says Tessina. “It says you want to make your home and relationship more livable and you want to ease your partner’s burden,” she adds. To that point, simply being observant about what your partner actually does on a daily basis that makes your life together more comfortable can be a good way to figure out what acts of service you can do for them, without actually having to ask (which, let’s be honest, can be annoying!). 

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Gary Chapman—author, speaker, and counselor—has a passion for people and for helping them form lasting relationships. He is the bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages® series and the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc. Gary Travels the world presenting seminars, and his radio programs air on more than 400 stations.

For more information, visit 5lovelanguages.com or connect with Gary on his social platforms:

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Gary Chapman—author, speaker, and counselor—has a passion for people and for helping them form lasting relationships. He is the bestselling author of The 5 Love Languages® series and the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc. Gary Travels the world presenting seminars, and his radio programs air on more than 400 stations.

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