essay about broken trust

Essay on Trust

Students are often asked to write an essay on Trust in their schools and colleges. And if you’re also looking for the same, we have created 100-word, 250-word, and 500-word essays on the topic.

Let’s take a look…

100 Words Essay on Trust

What is trust.

Trust is a strong belief in someone or something. It is a feeling of safety and security that comes from knowing that you can rely on someone or something.

The Importance of Trust

Building trust.

Trust is not something that is given freely. It must be earned over time. There are many things that you can do to build trust with others, such as being honest, reliable, and consistent.

Maintaining Trust

Once you have built trust with someone, it is important to maintain it. This means continuing to be honest, reliable, and consistent. It also means being forgiving and understanding when mistakes are made.

The Benefits of Trust

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250 Words Essay on Trust

Trust is a feeling of believing someone or something. It is like knowing that they will do what they say they will do, and that they will not let you down. Trust is important in all kinds of relationships, from friendships to family relationships to business relationships.

Why is Trust Important?

Trust is important because it allows us to rely on others. When we trust someone, we can relax and let them take care of things. We can be sure that they will do their best, and that they will not try to hurt us. Trust also makes us feel safe and secure.

How Can We Build Trust?

Building trust takes time and effort. It involves being honest, reliable, and consistent. It also involves being open and communicative. When we are honest with others, they know that they can believe what we say. When we are reliable, they know that they can count on us to do what we say we will do. And when we are consistent, they know that we will always be there for them.

How Can We Repair Broken Trust?

In conclusion.

Trust is a vital part of any relationship. It allows us to rely on others, feel safe and secure, and work together to achieve common goals. Building trust takes time and effort, but it is worth it. When we have trust in others, we can live happier, more fulfilling lives.

500 Words Essay on Trust

Trust is a powerful feeling of depending on someone or something to behave in a certain way. It is a belief that a person or thing will not harm or deceive us. Trust is essential for human relationships and social interactions. Without trust, we would be constantly suspicious and fearful of others, and we would be unable to cooperate effectively.

How is Trust Gained?

Trust is built over time through consistent positive interactions. When someone consistently behaves in a trustworthy manner, we start to feel confident that they will continue to do so in the future. This can happen on a macro level by observing a person’s actions over time and noticing that they are consistently reliable, honest and keep their promises. It can also be built more quickly on a micro level by our interactions with that person. If someone goes out of their way to help us, without expecting anything in return, this can foster a great sense of trust.

Trust is important for several reasons. First, it allows us to feel safe and secure in our relationships. When we trust someone, we believe that they will not hurt us or intentionally do something to harm us. This allows us to relax and be ourselves around them. Second, trust is essential for cooperation. When we trust someone, we are more likely to work together with them towards a common goal. We are also more likely to share our resources and ideas with them, knowing that they will use them wisely.

What Happens When Trust is Broken?

How to build trust.

That’s it! I hope the essay helped you.

Happy studying!

Trust Essay | Essay on Trust for Students and Children and Importance of Trust

August 28, 2021 by Prasanna

Trust Essay: Trust is defined as building confidence in someone or something else. The basic foundation of any relationship is trust. Without trust, there is no life of any relationship whether it is with family, friends, partners, professionals or others. Without trust, there is no love in the relationship.

George Macdonald has stated well that “To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.” Trust is even more complimented than love.

Trust essay focuses on the fact that having somebody to trust is a wonderful feeling. The trusted person on your side encourages you by enabling us to share secrets, stories, and other events with them. It makes us happy and strong.

The more you build trust in someone the more your love towards them grows. Generally, when people do not love someone or they don’t trust them they do not let those people impact their lives.

You can read more Essay Writing about articles, events, people, sports, technology many more.

Let us focus on some examples in our trust essay. For example, if you needed someone to water your plants while you were on vacation and you had an option between your brother and the new neighbour you just met you would probably choose your brother. The reason you may choose your brother is that you love him and also trust him.

Therefore, someone you do not love maybe not is trustworthy or deceitful as compared to someone you love. Second, the person known for a longer period of time is more trustworthy. For instance, if you need someone to take care of your children and the option is between your mother and a babysitter. Your mother would be the superior choice to the babysitter because you know your mother as she had raised you and your siblings. Thus, the known person is more trustworthy than the stranger. Thirdly, love cannot be built without trust. Undoubtedly I love my family but I would not trust my family if I did not have a deep love for my family. And, I would not be able to love my family if I did not trust them. In conclusion, trusting someone you do not love is difficult, and you should not love someone you do not trust. Love and trust are interdependent.

Trust is hard to gain but easy to lose in any relationship. Once the trust is broken it is very hard to regain it and sometimes can never be restored.

Breaking someone’s trust means betraying them. Betraying someone creates negative emotions of anger, hatred and even the feeling of taking revenge on the person betrayed. When someone hurts you, you also want them to feel the same pain and want to take revenge. The feeling of being trusted is one of the best feelings you will ever know. But you should never take disadvantage of that trust. Taking advantage of somebody’s trust in you will only lead to distrust. Trust should be seen as a true bond between the two partners which hold them tightly. Once the trust is broken you will lose both the relationship and also the person in the relationship.

Another aspect of trust in our trust essay is that it extends to people we are not acquainted with at all. We have to trust strangers in some cases. For instance, we have to trust our teachers. We must trust that we are being taught the correct things we need to know and that we are being given fair grades. We have to trust doctors who are often complete strangers who give us the most appropriate medical care or to perform any surgery we might need. We have to trust public services like fire, ambulance and medical services when we are involved in emergency situations. Therefore, whichever way you look at it, trust is an essential thing and we have to trust our helpers. And it is the foremost duty of the helpers to prove the trust of people on them.

We have never seen the presence of God. But it is our trust which makes us believe in God. We are fully dependent on them for our good fortune.

In this trust essay we have realised that trust is a wonderful feeling, but what is harmful is the tendency among many people to trust too much in other people, or trust in the wrong people. Both actions will have a negative impact on one’s own self-esteem and perspective of life. There is much risk involved in trusting someone too much, we face several risks. First of all, we may become too dependent on that other person that we may lose our own ability to deal with any problem. What happens if that other person leaves? What do we do then? We have to trust someone else, who may or may not deserve to have it, which is a very stressful situation. But we also have to take a lesson and learn to be very careful where we put our trust. We have to trust the right people and trust the right things.

“Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.”

Short Essay on Trust 150 Words in English

Trust is the essential quality of the way we live our everyday life. Trust is a quality of being trustworthy; loyal; reliable. The base of any relationship, friendship, business, or organization is the trust between them. Trusting someone means to rely on someone completely. When you trust someone you can share your secret feelings with them openly and trust that they will keep it to themselves. Trust can be broken so quickly, it is scary because once trust is broken it is very hard to gain it back.

How betraying affects a relationship is something you could perhaps cover in your trust essay. Betraying is one of the most harmful things that people can do to one another, especially where partners in businesses or spouses are concerned. A lot of people are able to forgive if their partner immediately admits to cheating and is genuinely guilty for it. However, when the injured person discovers the cheating via some other source, forgiveness is not so easy.

FAQ’s on Trust Essay

Question 1. What causes a lack of trust in a relationship?

Answer: The lack of trust can lead to serious problems in a relationship.

It is caused by previous experiences like having been abused in the past, cheated on, or suffered from family issues such as a parent walking out.

Question 2. Why is trust necessary in a relationship?

Answer: Trust is needed in every aspect of life. Some of them are:

for taking risks,
for support whenever we need it,
for living happily.,
to live a positive life,
to go ahead in life’s different areas.
to make life innovative and interesting, etc.

Without trust, life is not possible and moreover, we should be honest with own-self.

Question 3. Is trust more important than love?

Answer: The basic foundation of any relationship is trust. A relationship strengthens only because of trust. Love is the result of trust that increases with time.

Rightly said, “Love without trust is like a river without water”. A relationship without trust doesn’t have a long life.

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The essential importance of trust: how to build it or restore it.

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“To earn trust, money and power aren’t enough; you have to show some concern for others. You can’t buy trust in the supermarket." – His Holiness the Dalai Lama

Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama Photographer: Adam Berry/Bloomberg News

There are just a few elemental forces that hold our world together. The one that’s the glue of society is called trust. Its presence cements relationships by allowing people to live and work together, feel safe and belong to a group. Trust in a leader allows organizations and communities to flourish, while the absence of trust can cause fragmentation, conflict and even war. That’s why we need to trust our leaders, our family members, our friends and our co-workers, albeit in different ways.

Trust is hard to define, but we do know when it’s lost. When that happens, we withdraw our energy and level of engagement. We go on an internal strike, not wanting to be sympathetic to the person who we feel has hurt us or treated us wrongly. We may not show it outwardly, but we are less likely to tell the formerly trusted person that we are upset, to share what is important to us or to follow through on commitments. As a result, we pull back from that person and no longer feel part of their world. This loss of trust can be obvious or somewhat hidden — especially if we pretend to be present but inwardly disengage. And those who have done something to lose our trust may not even know it.

On the positive side, trust makes people feel eager to be part of a relationship or group, with a shared purpose and a willingness to depend on each other. When trust is intact, we will willingly contribute what is needed, not just by offering our presence, but also by sharing our dedication, talent, energy and honest thoughts on how the relationship or group is working.

One dictionary definition of trust is “feeling safe when vulnerable.” When we depend on a leader, family member or friend, we can feel vulnerable, and we need trust to manage the anxiety of this feeling. When trust is present, things go well; but when trust is lost, the relationship is at risk.

If the level of trust is low in a relationship or organization, people limit their involvement and what they are willing to do or share. They might think to themselves, “This is all you deserve,” or, “This is as all I am willing to give.” In contrast, when the trust level is high, people reward it by giving more. But, more often than not, people feel that their distrust is not safe to share. So a leader or loved one may be slow to discover that they have lost a person’s trust.

The hiddenness and personal nature of trust can be a problem for relationships, teams or organizations. How can you fix something that is not expressed or shared? How do you even know that trust is lost? Paradoxically, there must be at least a little trust in order to discuss its lack and make attempts to rebuild it, while if the loss of trust remains unaddressed, the relationship will grow more and more distant.

Trust is often related to leadership and power, but it is not a given. To be effective, a leader must earn the trust of his or her constituents to ensure their participation and allegiance. Indeed, any successful relationship — whether it’s leader to follower, consultant or coach to client or the relationship between spouses, siblings and friends — relies on a level of trust that must be earned. Yet even trust that is earned can be quickly lost and cannot be quickly regained. If members of a team or relationship lose trust in each other, it takes a great deal of work to restore it. People are not quick to reinvest in a relationship where trust has been broken. They generally move on.

Six Building Blocks of Trust

Since trust is so important in both working and personal relationships, how can we monitor it, build upon it and heal it when it becomes frayed? It is useful to view trust as a natural response to certain qualities in a person, group or organization, and the absence of these qualities will diminish the level of trust. These qualities are:

Reliability and Dependability: A person or group that is true to their word and fulfills their commitments encourages trust.
Transparency: People are anxious about unknowns and tend to assume the worst when they’re not informed about a new development. When management meets in secret or does not share important information, team members can easily become distrustful. On the other hand, when people share their thoughts, feelings and considerations, or when an organization, usually through its leader, tells its members what is going on, everyone knows where they stand and trust can flourish.
Competency: This is another element that is central to building trust. If you think a person, leader or organization is not capable of doing what they are supposed to do, you cannot trust them. Therefore, even when a person has a good heart or good intentions and we like them personally, they cannot win our trust if they’re not capable of doing what they promise.
Sincerity, Authenticity and Congruency: People can often sense when someone says something that is not aligned with what they are feeling inside. When a leader is insincere or inauthentic, people don’t believe what he or she is saying. A leader who says one thing but who acts differently is not congruent. For example, it is hard to believe someone who says they want to listen but does not give you a chance to speak, or someone who says she is concerned about people yet seems to have a plan to lay people off. People may think they can hide their true feelings or contradictions, but others can quickly detect a lack of sincerity or congruency. That’s when trust is eroded.
Fairness: Some people act as if the needs and desires of others are not important, or they don’t truly listen to or respect both sides. Trust cannot grow in a relationship where it’s all about one person or in a workplace where all the energy is focused on the company or leader.
Openness and Vulnerability : If a person never says they are wrong and apologizes or acknowledges their mistakes, other people do not feel comfortable disagreeing with them or sharing their own thoughts. A leader who is “never wrong” never gets the truth from others. Yet a timely apology or admission of being wrong is a powerful weapon to build or rebuild trust.

All of these qualities contribute to the degree of trust people have for each other. If you are feeling a shift of trust in a relationship, it is helpful to assess the presence or absence of each of these six qualities. This allows you to discover what is lacking in the relationship and find ways to restore trust. To build or rebuild trust, a leader must open the conversation about the degree to which each of the six qualities are present and be open to hearing what others feel, observe and need. Of course, the leader will need some trust in the others in order to begin this process.

Similarly, it takes courage in a family or personal relationship to bring up loss of trust and to request that another person modify their behavior. This may lead to learning that you need to look at your own behavior too. Trust is a two-way street, built by the behavior of each person in the relationship.

Restoring Trust That’s Been Lost or Broken

Trust is often lost when we feel hurt by another’s action and believe that this action (or inaction) was intentional. But by sharing our feelings with the person who hurt us, we might begin to see things differently and realize that their intention was not what we imagined. This may repair the breach quickly as misunderstandings are unraveled and communication deepens. It may be difficult to initiate such a conversation; however, given the tendency to withdraw when we feel hurt. Still, a person who is able to do this will find that they are less frequently hurt.

In the same way, if we feel that we have done something to lose the trust of another, we can seek the other out and inquire about what has happened. True, this can feel awkward and risky — especially if one is a leader, parent or person of authority — and this is not something that comes naturally. But this willingness to be vulnerable can ultimately lead to greater trust because the other person feels that their own vulnerability and needs are being respected.

The dynamics of trust are delicate in important relationships, and the loss of trust can be costly — not only psychologically, but also financially and in terms or work and livelihood. What’s helpful to remember is that trust is an ongoing exchange between people and is not static. Trust can be earned. It can be lost. And it can be regained.

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Amy Rees Anderson

“trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair”.

One of the most valuable assets we can have in life is to be trustworthy. It is worth gold whether in business or friendships or family. When you can trust a person it creates a bond of loyalty that runs deep. And when someone can trust you it gives you that same bond of loyalty back. It is more valuable than any amount of money or power because trust doesn’t have to ebb and flow like other things in life. Trust can be permanent if you do the right things and do things the right way.

“Few delights can equal the presence of one whom we trust utterly.” – George MacDonald

It takes time and effort to build trust. It takes going the extra mile to show that you are someone who can be counted on. And unfortunately it can be broken in a split second of doing something to let someone down. As the title of today’s blog states, “Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair.” Trust must be treated with kid gloves. It must be given the attention it deserves without missing a single beat.

I remember as a little girl going with my Grandfather to climb up what we called the “Big Rock”. It was a large rock in the back woods behind our house growing up. Grandpa would take us to the rock and help us climb up. Then we would stand up tall and jump off the rock into his waiting arms. I never once felt hesitant to jump off that rock to my Grandpa. I trusted him 100%. I knew he wouldn’t drop me and for that he had my heart.

As a CEO I learned how important it was to surround myself with only trustworthy people. When I had a team I could trust I knew that we could overcome anything and everything together and that was exactly what we were able to do. The trust they had in me and my trust in them was the key to our company being so incredibly successful.

As a mother I have seen the damage that can be done when a child doesn’t keep their word to their parents. I have also seen the trust that is built when a child does keep their word. Foundations are created between parents and children when their children prove to their parents that they are indeed someone who can be trusted. The relationship turns from having to be the officiator to being able to be friends with one another and when that can happen it is magical.

As a friend I know how my life has been impacted for the better by the friends in my life that trust me and I trust them. It has given me a circle of friends and mentors that have done more to shape my life for the better than I could ever express. And those bonds wouldn’t exist without the bond of trust between us.

As we head into this Easter weekend I can’t help but reflect on how blessed I feel that I have a loving Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ who have shown me time and time again that I can trust them with all that I am. And I hope to live up to being a person they can trust in that same way.

Trust truly is the greatest asset any of us can have. We must be trustworthy and we must choose wisely those we will trust. When you learn what people are not trustworthy in your life steer clear of them. And when you find those rare people who have shown they can be trusted, keep them close and never let them go.

Have a great Easter weekend everyone!

21 Comments

I enjoy your posts bc they are full of truth & inspiration. It’s unfortunate but you are so right in that it is a rarity to find people who are truly trustworthy. I feel blessed & fortunate to have family & friends who I know I can trust wholeheartedly!

beautiful post and every single word is showering bitter facts of life

2 weeks ago i emailed Dr_mack to restore my relationship and he did…………

Beautifull words, can you tell me the name of the one who said “trust take years to build ?”??

It’s a touching one&doesn’t have a limit on whom someone is

Good! That is helpfull in my project.

Amy you made my public speaking topic a lot much easier…thankyou and May ALLAH PAK Bless you

Brilliant article, thank you!

Help me say a very Big Thank you to Dr. Mack for helping me cast a love Spell that return back my husband to me and save my marriage, if you need his help search is name on net and contact him he is a great love spell caster ,

u can put better then this

I would agree with the Article; although I would suggest that it is not up to the child alone to prove his/her trustworthiness. It is incumbent upon the parents to demonstrate trust in the child as well. Consider the many examples today of parents breaking their child’s trust. It is mutually dependent.

Nice article

Proverbs 3: 5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight.

Thank it help in my speaking activity

Nice and stuff

good article and stuff 😛

saved my day of jam in my school. THANK YOU.

Thanks a lot it was the answer for my hw

Nice post very inpirate post

Your article title attracted me and it indeed inspired me what trust means to me and how I build it from now.

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How to Rebuild Trust in 7 Steps

Trust can be swiftly broken. learn how to mend it..

Posted September 2, 2021 | Reviewed by Chloe Williams

People's attitudes about trust originate in their families of origin and are impacted by their adult relationships.
Children yearn to trust their parents, and their need can be projected on romantic partners.
Components involved in rebuilding trust include listening to the person's feelings, empathizing and showing responsibility for one's actions.

Satisfying relationships are built on a foundation of safety and trust that you won’t be hurt physically or emotionally. Whether you trust too little or too much is influenced by your past, but once trust is broken, your sense of safety is in jeopardy. You feel insecure and may begin to question your partner’s honesty, motives, intentions, feelings, and actions.

Secrets and lies affect the entire relationship. Walls start to grow when you try to protect yourself. Take these steps to repair the relationship.

The Influence of Your Past

If you’ve been betrayed in a prior relationship or trust was a problem in your family growing up, then you’re apt to be on the lookout for signs of distrust . If you’re in denial or have unresolved anger or hurt from the past, you run the risk of either provoking problems in a new relationship where none exists; or on the other hand, unconsciously attracting untrustworthy partners. See my post " Do You Trust Too Much or Too Little " about how to evaluate trustworthiness.

If you've suffered trauma or abuse, you may be prone to distrust people or the reverse and trust too easily. Some people do both. The reason may lie in growing up in a dysfunctional family.

If there were addictions or family secrets, the family’s denial about it is a lie, so children learn to distrust their parents and their own perceptions of reality. Usually, parents are well-intentioned and try to minimize or deny the truth about what’s going on to protect their children. It’s confusing to children, who see through their parents’ statements.

Other times, parents make excuses and lie to look good or defend their position and hide their own guilt or shame . Parents also blame children to avoid their own responsibility and break or deny promises, further undermining trust. When parents don’t follow through with commitments, show up where they’re supposed to on time, or have inconsistent, arbitrary, or unfair punishments, they also break their children’s trust. The same goes for neglect, adultery, criminality, and physical or emotional abuse or abandonment.

Too Trusting

The following factors work together and can cause you to trust too easily:

Wanting to trust
Idealizing authority figures or partners in romantic relationships
Dependency – needing the relationship

Distrust or Denial of Your Own Reality

Although untrustworthy parents can cause you to be distrustful, the unfulfilled childhood desire to trust is still present. This unconscious longing to trust leads you to project trustworthiness onto certain people, particularly in close relationships reminiscent of familial love. This wish coupled with dependency needs, including the need to be taken care of, cause you to deny, overlook, or rationalize data that would otherwise signal a lack of trustworthiness. When parents deny or contradict your reality, you also learn to discount your perceptions, feelings, and intuition . The combination of these forces influences you to trust people, especially those you love, whom others don’t.

Rebuilding Trust

Once trust has been broken, an apology may not be sufficient to rectify damage to the relationship. Explanations and excuses can make matters worse. Seven components are important to rebuild trust:

Listen to the other person’s anger and hurt feelings.
Empathize with them.
Ask what is needed to prevent a recurrence.
Be conscientious to do all the things listed that show trustworthiness.
Take full responsibility for your actions. Don’t sidestep the issue or try to shift blame to the other person.
Make a heartfelt apology expressing your regret.
Continue to have open and honest communication.

Open and honest communication about what happened is essential. Ask the hurt partner what he or she needs from you and any suggestions about what’s needed to avoid repetition of the behavior. These questions show respect for the person’s feelings and needs and will be appreciated. They go much further than a simple apology. If it’s a serious betrayal, you can expand the conversation to include the relationship as a whole and discuss how you both can help the relationship.

If you’re unable to rebuild trust by talking to each other, if the problem reoccurs, or if the violation of trust involves infidelity , you may need the assistance of a professional therapist to help you communicate as a couple and also to uncover the causes that led to the problem. Usually, infidelity can be a sign of relationship problems as well as an individual issue.

When addiction is involved, the help of a 12-step program can be very beneficial. Seeking support outside the relationship isn’t a sign of weakness. It shows commitment to the relationship and reassures the injured person that his or her partner is taking the problem seriously and willing to make an effort to change.

The last step is very important because once trust has been broken, although it may seem as if all is forgiven and back to normal, doubts and hurt often continue to linger in the aggrieved person’s mind and heart. It may take months or even years for a serious wound to heal. Note that rebuilding trust may not be possible when the dishonesty is part of a larger pattern of abuse and possible personality disorder , such as gaslighting and narcissism , that is resistant to change.

©Darlene Lancer 2012

Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and an expert and author on relationships and codependency.

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At any moment, someone’s aggravating behavior or our own bad luck can set us off on an emotional spiral that threatens to derail our entire day. Here’s how we can face our triggers with less reactivity so that we can get on with our lives.

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Leading with Trust

Leadership begins with trust.

After your trust has been broken – 5 ways to avoid a victim mentality.

What’s important is your response after trust has been broken. You have two choices: victimization or resiliency. Victimization is characterized by an attitude of powerlessness, blaming others for the negative situations in your life, believing that everyone else has it better than you, and a constant seeking of sympathy for your lot in life. Either you’ve experienced it yourself or you’ve seen it others. It’s characterized by statements like: Why me? People can’t be trusted. I can’t change my circumstances. Why is everyone against me? It’s not my fault.

The other response to having your trust broken is resiliency. Resilient people choose to embrace the power they have to make the best of their circumstances, to learn from their experiences, grow in maturity, and move toward healthier and more satisfying places in life. Statements that reflect the attitudes and beliefs of resilient people include: This will make me stronger. This hurts but I’ll deal with it and move on. I’ve got so many good things to look forward to in life. I’m not going to let this get me down.

Here are five concrete ways you can move from having a victim mentality toward an attitude of resiliency:

1. Own your choices – You can’t control everything that happens in your life, but you can control how you respond. You can choose to wallow in self-pity, depression, anger, or resentment, or you can choose to grant forgiveness, experience healing, and seek growth moving forward.

2. Quit obsessing on “why?” – Rather than asking “Why me?” when someone violates your trust, ask yourself “What can I learn?” Many times it will be impossible to know exactly why something happened the way it did, but you can always choose to view challenging circumstances in life as learning opportunities. Did you trust this person too quickly? Did you miss previous warning signs about this person’s trustworthiness? What will you do differently in the future?

3. Forgive and seek forgiveness – Years ago I heard a saying about forgiveness that has stuck with me:

Forgiveness is letting go of all hopes for a better past.

We often refuse to grant forgiveness because we feel like it’s letting people off the hook for their transgressions. In reality, choosing to not grant forgiveness is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It does nothing but hurt ourselves and hold us back from healing and moving forward. If you are the one who has broken trust or played a part in the situation, do what you can to seek forgiveness and bring healing to the relationship. It’s the right thing to do.

4. Count your blessings – People with a victim mentality often gravitate toward absolute thinking. Words like never and always frequent their conversations: I’ll never find someone I can trust. People always let me down. Life is rarely so absolute and one way to remind ourselves of that truth is to count our blessings. In the big scheme of life, most of us have many more positive things in our lives than negative. Make a list of all the things you’re grateful for and you’ll realize how fortunate you really are.

5. Focus forward – Victims tend to live in the past, constantly focused on the negative things that have happened to them until this becomes their daily reality. Resilient people keep focused on moving forward. They don’t let circumstances hold them back, and they embrace whatever power they have to learn, grow, and take hold of all the good that life has to offer.

Having someone break your trust, particularly if it’s a serious betrayal, can be one of the most painful experiences in life. The easy path is to let it take you down the road of victimization where everyone and everything else becomes responsible for all the pain you encounter. The harder path is resiliency, choosing to acknowledge the pain, process it, deal with it, learn from it, and move on toward healing and growth.

Feel free to share your comments about how you’ve chosen resiliency over victimization. I’d love to learn from your wisdom.

by @RandyConley

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Posted on May 25, 2014 by Randy Conley

Category: Accountability , Forgiveness , Power , Relationships , Repairing Trust , Trust

60 Comments on “ After Your Trust Has Been Broken – 5 Ways to Avoid a Victim Mentality ”

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E+R=O… Events + Response = Outcome (via W. Clement Stone).

The only thing in this equation we have 100 percent control over is our response and that’s what changes an outcome. Really fits well with your first point.

I like that formula Kent! Our response has a dramatic effect on the outcome of our life events.

Thanks for sharing your insights,

I like the equation. I was married for 34 years to a narcesstic man. I cannot change the events that have taken place and my response was always trying to leave but then going back which created the same outcome of broken trust. A year ago I changed the response by getting a divorce which changed my outcome. Trying now to end being a victim by healing and gaining growth. Betterlife12,2016

I respect your courage Angelia. My mom has made a different decision, having stuck with my NPD dad 40+ years now. It’s difficult for her, quite a questionable relationship really. I, on the other hand, broke up with my very much self-centered girlfriend recently; it’s like cutting off a limb but I know it must be done in order for me to thrive.

Actually one girl in my building, she was our close friend and we all hoped that she would never break our trust. But because of one girl who possessed her, she broke and my friends fought really bad. Trust is the only thing in which you can believe that person unless no problem. I really don’t know what to do.

Thank you! Truth here.

Thanks Rhonda!

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Been dealing with some broken trust issues recently that have affected me pretty deeply. This is the first article that actually makes sense and strikes a chord on how to progress forward. As always, things are easier said than done and I’m not sure I’ll be able to effectively implement all these things off the bat… But it’s good to have a concrete list / set of tools so to speak that I can refer back to.

Hello Lehel,

I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with broken trust, but I’m thankful you’ve found some help through my article. Best wishes as you move forward with your plan.

What the article states is absolutely true as I also experienced a serious state of distrust and betrayal. I first choose to be victimized which is the easier way and found out it was very difficult for me to live my life. Everyday would go like hell for me thinking about the same instances over and over again. Then I chose to chances my approach and started feeling much better as I started to think patient and changed my approach. It was very difficult to change my mindset as i trained my mind to be victimized but later with persistence I tried to change and once it happened I realized the true potential it had. Thanks

Hello Vignesh,

Thank you for sharing your experiences. My best to you.

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I am currently working through having someone I love break trust, and it is not the first time. What helps me is to stop rehearsing in my mind over and over what the person did. Rehearsing it over and over is like reliving it over and over again. I choose to be free. I do not have to be a victim.

That is true wisdom Grice. Thanks for sharing your experience.

This has been very helpful thankyou . Reading articles like this is definitely helping me process my current situation . I am finding it very difficult to forgive and move forward as everytime we try to build our relationship , there is yet again another betrayal of trust . It’s hard to know when to keep trying and when to walk away.

Hi Elly. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

It can be hard to move forward, especially when your radar is attuned to any potential slight that may feel like another betrayal.

I encourage you to trust smartly by taking small steps. Extend your trust in stages as people prove to be trustworthy.

Best regards,

Thanks Randy. I’m dealing with a situation in which a long term close friend lied to me about a mutual business deal. It is my perception that he was very sneaky and underhanded about the whole thing. I feel like I need to meet with him and tell him what I think happened and what bothered me about it and listen to his response. I fear that nothing he will say will be good enough for me to grant forgiveness. I want him to feel my pain and grasp the depths to which he hurt me. I know this probably serves no purpose. Is this victim mentality?

I don’t think that is having a victim mentality. I think it is an attempt to explain the seriousness of how this impacted you.

Best of luck to you.

Thank you for taking the time to share and help others.

I do have a question if I may. I have been living the victim mentality. I see by repeat thought patterns and a roller coaster of emotions welling up within me with every thought. I too have had repeat offenders in my life and began turning it around on myself. My question is, how do I know when it is their real offense of breaking trust, or when it is my lifetime of broken trust and the emotions, rearing its ugly head? Have I become so scared and insecure that I am seeing trust issues everywhere? I no longer trust my own judgment, which makes things difficult. As he says it is now my insecurities, despite evidence of the broken trust. Is it just crazy making to shift the focus off of him? How do I trust….myself, let alone him?

Hi Marie. Thank you for the honesty and vulnerability of your message.

I recommend you take a look at some of the articles on my website that discuss the ABCD Trust Model. You can use that model to assess someone’s behavior to determine if he/she is demonstrating trustworthiness or not. Try to focus on just the person’s behavior, not your emotions or what you think their intent may or may not be. The proof will be in the pudding, so to speak, to see if someone is trustworthy by the track record of their behavior.

Best wishes,

Reblogged this on tomiwhensu .

Love the blog. Trust really is the foundation of all human relationships. I was sick from lead poisoning during a large house renovation and my brother told me to trust him to take me to the ER and he’d pay my bills, I was mentally confused and exhausted and not in a good state. He told the docs I was suicidal. I’d never had as much as a cold before in my life. $20K in bills and a week later in the psych ward where I happily got to know all the patients but still had a headache and fatigue I found out what he’d done, he told me he would not pay my bills. Has never apologized even going so far as to try and convicnce me that I was suicidal. It affected our relationship on a deep level the more I ask for an apology the higher the defensiveness, I didn’t really understand what was lost at first. But it was trust. Loss of trust causes anger cause you’ve made a fool of yourself and lost your reputation especially when it concerns anything to do with mental health because just hearing about it causes other people to lose their trust in you. Something that can take years to reconstruct especially if you actually are sick. Funnily it’s actually made me a better person because I am very clear and honest about my intentions in all transactions so that I don’t do that to anyone else. Sometimes I don’t get the work because I am too honest and could probably learn some better sales techniques but the jobs that I do get are really solid. Ironically I’m writing clinical mental health software systems for non-profits – I have first hand experience! 🙂 They trust me to guide their entire operations. It feels good to be trusted again.

Hi Jonathan,

Thank you for taking the time to share your personal and inspiring story.

You will not get an apology best a false apology. You need to discard him. Then he will know you are not a source of Narcissistic supply

thankx… dis is absolutely true, u r helping ppl to heal.. nice 🙂

Hi , recently I learn about my issue in leadership as my lack of trust. Abused, emotionally unstable, I don’t like to show myself as a vulnerable person. In appearance I seem to be a leader to everyone else but inside there is such a strong fear of revealing the nice person I truly am … for I dislike being taking advantage if… especially in a professional and social or public situation. So I missed many opportunity to take upon a post of responsibility and decline promotion. Which is quite and extremely sad to say.

Thanks for the amazing article.! :).

I have been going through victim mentality for so many months recently. I had proposed to a guy whom I know from a long time(one of my best friends) and he had accepted it after taking some time. Now ,due to some misunderstandings between us and also because his parents are against us getting married, he wants to end the relationship we have. When we had some argument where I insisted that ending this relationship is not the right thing to do, he says he can do anything for me as a best friend except getting married to me. He also told me that any guy who marries me will go mad because I am not modern enough to leave relationships quickly and I stick on to a person much if I am in relationship with the person.

All this has hurt me a lot and he doesn’t respond well if I try to have conversations with him. This makes me feel so victimized as I have got attached to him so much and I miss how happy we used to be earlier. No matter how much I try to move on, I feel the time I spent and affection I shown are all getting played with and it is not right.

Hello Sandy,

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation Sandy, and I’m glad my article provided a measure of help.

Keep moving forward and believing in yourself.

Hello I have a question? If I have given forgiveness over and over, but the same offense continues to occur, then what do I do to help myself in the relationship?

Hi Elizabeth,

The only thing you can do to help yourself is to make a smarter decision by limiting or eliminating that person’s negative effect on you. You are bringing this pain on yourself and until you choose to do something about it, it will continue.

This is very helpful thanks u so much But i have a question as u said that Forgive that person who break your trust but should i trust that Perosn again or not its realy hard to bulidup trust again on that Such person who betrayed you i had given him a chance Once but again the result was same

Thanks for your comments Adeel.

Whether or not to trust someone again should be based on that person’s trustworthiness. Has the person changed his/her behavior for the better and earned your trust? I believe the answer to that question determines whether you should grant him/her your trust.

Thanks for the helpful article. I indeed do give forgiveness after my trust has been betrayed, yet forgeting about everything has always been the hardest method to apply. I had always kept myself holding back at the same issue and it really has done me no good. I’m deepily indebted to you for sharing this inspiring and teaching article. Living in the past is not an option anymore. I have found a vehicle that can help my friends too.

Greetings, Amie

Hello Amie,

Thanks so much for sharing your positive feedback. It’s fulfilling to know you and many others have been helped through the Leading With Trust blog.

Just wanted to say, your comment ” hit the nail on the head” for me personally!! Except I am the one that was in the wrong originally and my friend, best in the entire world, was the one that got hurt n the past and having a hard time moving past it and not bringing up the things that occurred, but when i give her space she then does whatever she can to get in contact with me again to tell me that she forgives me, and we should move forward. I fear the damage is already done and it’s to much to repair…

Hi Heather,

Your situation captures the amazingly beautiful yet scary aspect of trust – it requires risk. All of our relationships possess a certain amount of risk, thereby requiring trust. We could choose to live life alone and not risk/trust anyone, or we can choose to take the risk, extend trust, and do our best to make the relationship be the best it can be. It’s scary, but worth it!

It hurts to have a friend violate your trust. In my case one of my friends promised me she’d do something, then out of the blue quit. I want to forgive her, but I’m hurting.

It’s natural and OK to feel hurt when someone breaks your trust. You can use the ABCD Trust Model to help you identify where trust was broken and how you can work to restore it. Check out this article: https://leadingwithtrust.com/2017/09/24/the-most-important-decision-every-leader-must-make/

I’ve been dealing with a broken relationship, where trust was broken at both ends and I realize my part in it. Since I naturally steer toward the victim mentality, it is a conscious effort to be resilient. From years of giving up on people, I’ve realized I don’t want to anymore. I want to cherish the past. Be at peace with it. It breaks my heart to hear the person I love tell me he doesn’t trust me anymore. What I read on this blog has really helped…the five points hit the nail on the head. Specially, asking “why”…I’ve realized that sometimes there are no answers. As tough and heart-rending as it might be…it is time to let go and move on and not be bitter. The victim mentality also changes who you are as a person…at the very core. Makes one bitter. Thank you for the blog. I’ll keep reading it until it’s drilled into me. Divya from India

Hello Divya,

I’m so happy to hear this article has been a help to you. My best to you.

Life is not static but constantly fluid and a trust that has been built and may seem secure today can just as quickly be broken tomorrow. Many of our problems and trust issues stem from our own expectations of other people and it is not until we can learn to be fluid and flexible that we can truly learn to navigate the journey of life.

Hello Shannon,

Thank you for adding your insights. It’s critical that we have the proper expectations in a relationship, otherwise we set ourselves up for disappointment and broken trust.

give yourself time to heal and move on..dont look back.

I had a friend.my best friend who was there for me always.she was always kind to me and she was always made me comfortable….she said she don’t like to be married but suddenly she changed she said she want to married with someone….but i can t be that one she also know that….but i feel so heartbroken and untrust within her…marriage will change her…now i feel alone and i can t trust her…what should i do?

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Reblogged this on majidmanhac .

Well, to be honest, this didnt answer the specific question I was looking for, but most definitely taught me several things I did not know that were also very interesting and I hope to b able to apply those things once myself and the other person begin rebuilding the relationship that was damaged and the majority of it was my wrongs!! That is why I am searching this online, doing anything within my power to show that i appreciated & miss her, & want my friend backm

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After 5 years of relationship my partner brutally break my trust, she give me too many promises the she will never cheat me, she will always be my side but she brutally destroyd my love and trust..

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I always did good for people and helped them when they needed me but when i asked for a hand they gave me but when i told my weaknesses they made fun of it in front of others…many things that i told only my trustworthy friends are now roaming between random people and they are making fun of me…i have lost my image and I don’t think i can trust anyone anymore ever.

I don’t think I could ever forgive anyone for lying and betrayal. Some things just can’t be fixed. Broken trust is one of them. Every time I give someone the benefit of the doubt, I end up being let down. This year has to be the worst year ever. I hate 2020 and I hate lying,cheating, money-grubbing scumbags.

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Can do all the above to move one but not sure how you deal with discovery of 20 years of betrayal and “process”. Not sure what is exactly meant by processing – how do put a box around betrayal/double life that has been 20 to 30 years of your life. To many tears and memories to process. All you can do is say my feelings/ love and commitment were real and those memories meant something to me regardless of the others duplicity otherwise you are writing off that amount of your life. That’s not processing because of you face what was going on with the other person – all your memories are destroyed. You have to say my memories are what I felt at that time not the realignment I am now going through. Otherwise you just can’t look back and your past is how you became you on the now. Doesn’t define you but you can’t write it off with only now or the future matters. It doesn’t. Living in the now may get you through the day but it is natural and normal to think of what you have experienced and where you are heading. Without letting both become obsessions that destroy action in the present. Sometimes it’s accepting it just is rather than processing which van do more harm if there’s too much to “process”.

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Essay Samples on Trust

Understanding the impact of broken trust in human relationships.

We all have emotional needs, please consider basic survival needs such as water, air, food, and shelter. Meeting these physical needs means you can live, but you need more to make life meaningful. You can see or touch things like friendship, feelings, security, or appreciation,...

Communication in Relationships
Relationship

The Importance of Trust in Building Strong Workplace Relationships

Trust is built on consistency as we interact with different kinds of individuals and build relationships with them based on desire behaviors and attitudes. A lack of trust leads to the desire to control a situation oneself as you believe the only person you can...

Organizational Culture

Reasons to Be Hardworking, Forgiving, Honest and Trustworthy

Being forgiving is a difficult trait to have especially if someone damaged one badly. The time when the person I trusted the most in the world, my best friend stole from my family and stabbed me in the back, it taught me that in order...

Forgiveness

Maintaining Trust: Importance of Telling the Truth

Have you ever wondered if lying is right or wrong? Have you ever lied and been tricked into telling the truth? Most people have been tricked by pretty much everyone. Lying according to research is always wrong. Most people feel guilty about lying and almost...

Communication

The Link Between Apologies and the Willingness of Low Status Groups to Seek Help

This work extends research on intergroup apology by examining the influence of an apology on the willingness of low status group members to seek assistance from the high status outgroup. In line with our hypothesis, we found that under unstable status relations, Israeli Arab participants...

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Organizational Trust And National Culture And Trust

Organizational trust is impacted by the reality that there has been eroding confidence levels in multiple stratas of society. In addition, this erosion in confidence has been evidenced by waning trust hinted at by Furedi (1997), who suggests that “human beings appear to have lost...

Organization

Trust As The Missing Root Relating To Education, Institutions And Economic Development

The institution being studied was established on with the goals of training persons for competent service and the world of work. The core values of the institution were based on philosophies centred on trust. Years after its establishment, that selected tertiary institution is struggling with...

Trust In Relation To Gender & To Years Of Service, Trust And Category Of Worker

Xie and Peng, in their work emphazised how corporations can repair customer trust following negative publicity. They contend that, especially in handling crisis situations, when there are distinct trusting targets needing varying levels of handling of trust repair, competence-based, benevolence-based and integrity-based trust are compulsory....

Overview Of The Main Thrusts In Negotiation

Negotiation is a deliberate procedure including diverse performing actors with various interests or objectives, distinctive dispositions and procedures prompting a circumstance were individuals are attempting to change these distinctions with a specific end goal to achieve an understanding. The willing ness to discover an answer...

Negotiation

The Road By Cormac McCarthey: The Theme Of Trust In The Book

When I started reading I was doing as I had no choice. Though after reading the first few pages I wanted to keep going out of curiosity. The boy and his papa had me wondering how the story ends in there horrible cannibalism world. Their...

The Theme of Trust in "The Legend" by Marie Lu

“Trust but verify,” this was a famous quote said by the 40th U.S President, Ronald Reagan. June, one of the main characters in the book, Legend, learns how to apply this lesson to herself. In the novel, June is a 15-year-old, patriotic girl who has...

Literature Review

Best topics on Trust

1. Understanding the Impact of Broken Trust in Human Relationships

2. The Importance of Trust in Building Strong Workplace Relationships

3. Reasons to Be Hardworking, Forgiving, Honest and Trustworthy

4. Maintaining Trust: Importance of Telling the Truth

5. The Link Between Apologies and the Willingness of Low Status Groups to Seek Help

6. Organizational Trust And National Culture And Trust

7. Trust As The Missing Root Relating To Education, Institutions And Economic Development

8. Trust In Relation To Gender & To Years Of Service, Trust And Category Of Worker

9. Overview Of The Main Thrusts In Negotiation

10. The Road By Cormac McCarthey: The Theme Of Trust In The Book

11. The Theme of Trust in “The Legend” by Marie Lu

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Bad Memories
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How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship: 20 Tips from Therapists

Author: Nicole Kleiman-Reck, MA, LMHC

Nicole Kleiman-Reck MA, LMHC

Nicole specializes in crisis intervention and family therapy. She’s certified in couples therapy and behavior analysis and sees individuals, couples, and families.

Benjamin Troy MD

Dr. Benjamin Troy is a child and adolescent psychiatrist with more than 10 years. Dr. Troy has significant experience in treating depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, OCD, anxiety, PTSD, ADHD, and ASD.

Can trust in a relationship be rebuilt after a betrayal? Yes, it’s possible; however, rebuilding trust comes down to making the decision to remain in the relationship, having the discipline to do the work, believing that trust can be re-developed, and being vulnerable and open to change.

Whether you’re trying to move on or rebuild a relationship, a licensed therapist from BetterHelp can guide you.

BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. BetterHelp starts at $65 per week. Take a Free Online Assessment and get matched with the right therapist for you.

How Can Trust Be Broken In a Relationship?

Most people view trust as the key factor in a healthy relationship. It’s required to be vulnerable, build connections, and maintain a sense of safety. Healthy relationships are built on integrity, or doing what you say you will do. When this is not honored, the safety, confidence, and support of a secure relationship is destroyed, at least temporarily.

Trust issues in a relationship can be caused by the following:

Not following through on a promise
Not taking responsibility for inexcusable behavior
Withholding love and/or affection
Lack of physical intimacy
Being emotionally unavailable
Addictive behaviors (i.e., drugs, alcohol , pornography, gambling ) 1
Infidelity (both a sexual and nonsexual, emotional affair )
Being directly criticized or your partner speaking harshly about you behind your back
Hitting an emotional “raw spot” 2

Signs of Lack of Trust In a Relationship

According to Megan Harrison, LMFT , here are several signs of a lack of trust in a relationship: 11

They constantly check up on you or try to control your behavior: This can be a sign that they don’t trust you and are worried that you’ll do something to hurt them. Lack of trust can be damaging to a relationship as it can lead to jealousy, insecurity, and resentment . If you’re not able to trust your partner, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.
They accuse you of being unfaithful or hiding things from them: This can be a sign that they don’t trust you to be honest with them, or that they don’t feel confident in your relationship. Either way, it’s important to try to address the issue if you want to maintain a healthy and trusting relationship.
They withdraw from you emotionally or physically: They may suddenly stop confiding in you about their thoughts and feelings, or they may start spending more time alone. This can be difficult to deal with because it can feel like they are shutting you out. If your partner is withdrawing from you, it’s important to try to talk to them about what’s going on. It could be that they’re feeling overwhelmed and need some space, or there could be something else going on that they’re not ready to talk about yet.
They refuse to communicate openly and honestly with you: If your partner refuses to communicate openly and honestly with you, it’s a major red flag that they don’t trust you. This lack of communication can lead to all sorts of problems in the relationship, from jealousy and possessiveness to outright cheating.
They are always suspicious of your motives and actions: This can be incredibly frustrating and make it feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells. If you’re not sure why your partner doesn’t trust you, it’s important to have an open and honest conversation about it. It could be that they have been hurt in the past and are struggling to let go of that pain. Or, there may be something specific that you’ve done that has made them lose faith in you.

Recovering From Infidelity Or A Betrayal Of Trust

Individual Therapy – Whether you’re trying to move on or rebuild a relationship, a licensed therapist from BetterHelp can guide you. BetterHelp has over 20,000 licensed therapists who provide convenient and affordable online therapy. Visit BetterHelp

Couples & Marriage Counseling – Talkspace offers you and your partner the support and structure you need. It’s private, convenient, and affordable. Learn More

OurRelationship (Free Couples Course) – OurRelationship has been proven to help couples improve communication, intimacy, and trust. 94% would recommend it to a friend. Get Started

How to Know When Rebuilding Trust Is Possible

There are signs to look for that tell you whether it might be possible to rebuild trust after it’s been lost. For example, both parties must be willing to work on the relationship and the primary goal should be to rebuild a sense of safety.

Rebuilding trust in a relationship is possible, but only if:

The injured person is given time to make an informed decision about how to rebuild trust and proceed in the relationship
They make a conscious decision to forgive
They’re able to work the emotional muscle to not get into a destructive process of interrogation and defensiveness 3
Simple questions about the betrayal are answered so a more destructive image isn’t created and the pressure to know more is relieved
Both parties want to work on the relationship
The primary goal is to rebuild safety in the relationship
One partner shares all unavoidable encounters with an affair partner 4

20 Ways to Rebuild Trust In a Relationship

The good news is that even after a devastating betrayal like cheating, trust can be rebuilt. 5 Not only that, betrayal is often the catalyst for reviving a relationship that was in serious trouble long before the betrayal occurred. Healing is a journey, but when two people are deeply committed to understanding, making amends, and recommitting, magic can happen.

Here are twenty ways to rebuild trust in a relationship:

1. Make a Commitment

Both partners need to commit 100% to doing the work involved in healing after a betrayal. It is a long-term investment, depending on the type of betrayal, but feeling the relationship is worth fighting for is the commitment both partners need to make.

2. Both Partners Take Responsibility

Commitment from the betrayer means proving to your partner that you are truly sorry and willing to work on earning back trust, no matter what it takes. Commitment from the betrayed involves active listening to the betrayer as well as exploring any of their own behaviors that may have contributed to distress in the relationship prior to the betrayal. 5

3. Refine Your Communication Style

Asking your wife, husband, partner, girlfriend, or boyfriend open-ended questions is a great way to increase emotional closeness and rebuild trust. It fosters intimate dialogue since these questions can’t be answered with a simple “Yes” or “No.” How you choose to communicate grievances is what matters. Learning how to self-soothe can allow both the speaker and the listener to withstand the tension to process the betrayal.

4. Accept Repair Attempts

Rebuilding trust largely comes down to deciding whether you want revenge or a relationship. International marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman, says that after a sincere apology is issued, when betrayed partners don’t accept repair attempts, there is an increased risk of divorce. 6

5. Set a Time to Talk About the Betrayal

It’s important to set a daily time (15-20 minutes) to talk about the betrayal; otherwise, it may be a 24/7 discussion. This allows each partner to prepare for a productive discussion as well as gain control of any emotions that may arise unexpectedly. Evaluate progress weekly to know when to decrease the frequency of the meetings.

6. Set Time for a Non-Negotiable Weekly Marriage Meeting

A weekly marriage meeting is a great ritual to strengthen a partnership. This is a dedicated time to be honest and communicate about key issues in the relationship. Good topics to discuss include appreciation, things that did/did not go well over the course of the week (in a non-critical and non-defensive way), chores, finances, external commitments, date nights, etc.

7. Redefine New Marriage Rules

Having self-imposed rules can help the betrayed partner to feel a sense of control while rebuilding trust. Self-imposed rules are freeing since they are non-negotiable and developed together. These can involve setting healthy relationship boundaries and daily check-ins to limit problems from escalating.

8. Create a Culture of Appreciation

Couples who find ways to express appreciation for each other often have a greater chance at repairing broken trust. This is about sharing a “we-ness” or togetherness vs. a separateness. 8

Glorifying the struggle means expressing pride that you’ve survived major hardships in your relationship. Actively talking about your commitment to one another vs. questioning whether you made the right choice is instrumental in rebuilding trust. 8

10. Stop All Contact With the Affair Partner

If there is still contact with the affair partner, recovery will be greatly delayed. This means ending all physical, emotional, and verbal intimacy. If the affair partner is a co-worker, the contact must be strictly business. 4

11. Share Any Necessary or Unplanned Encounters With the Affair Partner

This means there is an environment of full transparency if unavoidable contact with the affair partner has to be made. This comes along with a willingness to openly answer any questions your partner may have.

12. Don’t Gossip About or Trash Talk Your Partner to Others

Gossiping and trash talking create an added layer of stress, especially when the goal is to work on your relationship. It can be tempting to vent or want to vent, but it boils down to knowing that what you focus on expands, so choose who you talk to and how you talk about your partner wisely.

13. Tell the True Story of the Betrayal

Telling the story of the affair isn’t easy for either partner, but it will give you and your partner an opportunity to understand what happened and why. It’s important that the injured partner doesn’t engage in a destructive process of interrogation and defensiveness, which never promotes healing, even if the answers are truthful. Instead, begin with addressing the simple facts. 7

14. Create an Environment of Proactive Transparency

Our emotions can get in the way of telling the truth and hearing the truth. Transparency keeps everything out in the open to facilitate trust and stop overthinking in the relationship . Proactive transparency involves making the additional effort to highlight important things about the betrayal without waiting to be probed or asked. This builds trust and displays a readiness to be held accountable. 8

15. Understand the Power of Vulnerability

In being vulnerable, you can create a level of emotional safety with your partner. It’s the primary way to strengthen a marital bond and keep love alive. It’s how you’ll be able to re-establish a secure emotional attachment and preserve intimacy in your marriage. This goes hand-in-hand with proactive transparency.

16. Evaluate Your Questions

In order to ask constructive questions, the betrayed partner needs to pause and consider. Good questions involve considering how your question will help to understand what happened and why it happened. The goal is to ask thoughtful questions that prompt constructive responses. 9

Potential questions to ask yourself before asking your partner:

Is the answer something I really need to know?
Is the answer something that will help in my recovery?
Is this question something that won’t be helpful?
Will it fuel intrusive thoughts and triggers?

17. Evaluate Your Answers

The betrayer needs to answer any questions truthfully, but also with the lowest level of detail possible. The goal is to avoid any disturbing images the betrayed may have to deal with later on. Cheating has been associated with symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and betrayal trauma , so too many graphic details may put a burden on the healing process.

18. Take Time to Forgive

It takes time to truly understand why a betrayal took place, so cutting the healing process short will not allow for effective recovery to take place. In other words, avoidance is never a strategy for healing, nor is forgiving too soon. Building a secure attachment to your partner means taking as much time as possible to fully process and work on better coping strategies to rebuild the relationship. 10

19. Seek Professional Help

Often, a couple is so overwhelmed that they don’t know where to begin. This is where a couples counselor can be instrumental. They can guide both the betrayed and the betrayer to ask and answer questions in a way that facilitates recovery. They can guide couples with structure and a plan of action to slow down the process of healing to a constructive pace.

20. Plan, Plan, Plan

Work together to develop a plan to prevent further breaches of trust. Be open to identifying areas that may have created mistrust (withholding financial information, not sharing information in your daily living, spending too much time outside of the relationship, etc). Plan to increase friendship, create rituals of connection, and build a new relationship together.

How Therapy Can Help Rebuild Trust After Betrayal

Couples counseling is most effective when both partners are open to exploring the struggles in the relationship, the role each played to create a disconnect, and new ways to resolve conflict. It provides a neutral third party with a special skill set to help couples make well-informed decisions about whether it’s best to move forward together or apart.

Does marriage counseling help after infidelity ? It certainly can! Therapy can help a couple decide how to rebuild trust and move forward after infidelity. Discernment counseling , on the other hand, is best for couples who need some clarity in deciding whether or not they want to continue to work on the relationship or end the relationship.

How Much Does Marriage Counseling Cost?

The cost of couples counseling varies from state-to-state, but typically falls in the range from $125-$200 per session. The cost of marriage counseling will depend on several factors including location, therapist qualifications, length of sessions and type of therapy (in-person or telehealth).

How to Choose the Right Marriage Counselor

An online therapist directory can help you choose the right marriage counselor , where you can sort them by specialty, cost, availability, and more. There are also intro videos and articles written by the therapists you’re considering working with. When you’ve found a good match, book an online appointment.

Final Thoughts

Rebuilding trust takes time, commitment, willingness to forgive, and an ongoing effort to prioritize the relationship, but the returns far exceed the investment. Remember, both partners play a role in rebuilding trust. The tips outlined above provide simple actions on the journey to strengthen understanding, communication, friendship, and healing.

Additional Resources

To help our readers take the next step in their mental health journey, Choosing Therapy has partnered with leaders in mental health and wellness. Choosing Therapy is compensated for marketing by the companies included below.

BetterHelp (Online Therapy) – Whether you’re feeling uneasy in your relationship, trying to rebuild trust, or working on forgiveness – a licensed therapist from BetterHelp can guide you. BetterHelp will ask you about the things you want to work on and what you’re looking for in a therapist. Visit BetterHelp

Talkspace ( Counseling For Overcoming Adultery ) – Talkspace offers you and your partner the support and structure you need. It’s private, convenient, and affordable. Get Started

Relationship Newsletter (Free From Choosing Therapy) – A newsletter for those interested in improving relationships. Get helpful tips and the latest information. Sign Up

For Further Reading

American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT)
National Institute of Relationship Enhancement and Center for Couples, Families and Children
Mental Health America
Check out some of these excellent books for a healthier marriage
Books that can help after a breakup

I’ve summarized some of my thoughts on rebuilding trust in a relationship in this video:

Best Online Marriage & Couples Therapy Options

Marriage and couples therapy can be helpful and a worthwhile investment for couples who want to seek help with their relationship. Which online platform will work best for you will depend on what issues you want to work on, what your goals are for your relationship, the cost, and if it’s available in your state.

OurRelationship - Free Relationship Course

Communication problems / too many arguments
Emotional distance or lack of love
Lack of trust or infidelity/cheating

Are Your Relationship Doubts a Symptom of Relationship OCD or a Wrong Relationship?

Have you ever wondered to yourself, “What if I’m not in love with my partner anymore? What if I’ve never been?” For some people, these thoughts are more than occasional. They can become constant and overwhelming, and even lead to compulsive actions like seeking reassurance to quiet them. When these thoughts and actions rise to the level of obsessive-compulsive order (OCD), they are known as relationship OCD, or ROCD.

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A free newsletter for those interested in infidelity and trust in relationships. Get helpful tips and the latest information.

Choosing Therapy strives to provide our readers with mental health content that is accurate and actionable. We have high standards for what can be cited within our articles. Acceptable sources include government agencies, universities and colleges, scholarly journals, industry and professional associations, and other high-integrity sources of mental health journalism. Learn more by reviewing our full editorial policy .

Adult Attachment Relationships. (n.d.). Alexandria, VA. American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). https://aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Adult_Attachment_Relationships.aspx

Gaspard, T. (April, 2019). What to Do if You Don’t Trust Each Other. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-to-do-if-you-dont-trust-each-other/

Coleman, J. (September, 2008). Surviving Betrayal. Greater Good Magazine. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/surviving_betrayal/

Glass, S. (n.d). Reflections By Glass: The Trauma of Infidelity. Shirley Glass. https://www.shirleyglass.com/reflect_infidelity.htm

Meyers, S. (July, 2013). For the Betrayer: 8 Things You Must Know and Do to Rebuild Trust After an Affair. Huffpost. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/for-the-betrayer_b_3269327

Brittle, Z. (September, 2014). R is for Repair. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/r-is-for-repair/

Glass, S., Brown, E. (July, 2016). Infidelity. American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). https://aamft.org/Consumer_Updates/Infidelity.aspx

Alsaleem, T. H., (April, 2019). Why is it Important to Get the Story of the Affair? Dr. Taleem H. Alsaleem. https://talalalsaleem.com/blog/why-is-it-important-to-get-the-story-of-the-affair

Alumnus, J. (2012). How much do you really need to know? affair recovery. https://www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/Jack/how-much-do-you-need-to-know

Alsaleem, T. H., (January, 2019). What Happens When Couples Fail to Process Infidelity? Dr. Taleem H. Alsaleem. https://talalalsaleem.com/blog/what-happens-when-couples-fail-to-process-infidelity

Personal Interview. Megan Harrison, LMFT, Founder of Couples Candy .

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Greater Good Science Center • Magazine • In Action • In Education

How to Rebuild Trust

“Love all, but trust a few,” wrote Shakespeare. But how do we decide whether to trust someone after they’ve violated our trust?

According to a recent study, our ability to restore trust in someone depends not on that person’s qualities but on our personal beliefs about whether moral character can change over time.

In the study, published in Psychological Science , researchers randomly distributed one of two types of essays to participants. One essay advocated an “incremental” view of moral character, suggesting that character can change over time; another promoted an “entity” view of character, suggesting that character is fixed and not changeable.

The researchers found that these essays had a subtle but important effect on participants’ beliefs: Participants who’d read about the incremental view rated moral character as significantly more malleable than did participants who’d learned about the entity view.

To test how these beliefs actually affect people’s actions, the researchers then gave participants six dollars, which they could share with a partner. Whatever they shared was then tripled, and the partner could either keep all the money for themselves or give half of the tripled amount ($9) back to the participant.

The experiment unfolded over seven rounds, in three stages. In the first three rounds, the partners (who were actually working with the researchers) returned no money to the participants, eroding their trust.

Before the fourth round, the partners sent an apologetic message to the participants (“Hey, sorry I gave you a bad deal. I can change and return $9 from here on out.”), and in rounds four through six, they tried to rebuild trust by making good on their promise to split the money evenly.

After those six rounds were completed, the researchers wanted to know: How much would the participants trust their partner in the final, seventh round?

They found that participants who’d been led to believe that people can change were more likely to give away their $6 than the participants who’d been told that character is fixed.

Based on their results, the authors infer that participants who absorbed the incremental view of human behavior trusted their partners more because they thought those partners were capable of acting more honestly in the future, regardless of what they’d done in the past.

The authors note that relatively few studies have explored why some people are very slow to forgive and others re-establish trust quickly. They conclude that, ultimately, if you’re trying to rebuild trust with someone, their mindset and general beliefs about moral character may be just as important as the actions you take to regain their trust.

So if that person is open to the idea that people can change, they write, they may be especially receptive to a promise that you’ll act differently in the future.

What’s more, this study suggests that it’s even possible to influence people’s thinking about human nature, making them more or less open to the idea that you won’t betray their trust again. In that sense, an apology can be more effective if it includes a message about how readily people can change.

About the Author

Anahid modrek.

Anahid Modrek is a Greater Good research assistant.

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A man falling into a U.S. flag, drawn as a net with a hole in the middle

America Is Having a Moral Convulsion

Levels of trust in this country—in our institutions, in our politics, and in one another—are in precipitous decline. And when social trust collapses, nations fail. Can we get it back before it’s too late?

American history is driven by periodic moments of moral convulsion. The late Harvard political scientist Samuel P. Huntington noticed that these convulsions seem to hit the United States every 60 years or so: the Revolutionary period of the 1760s and ’70s; the Jacksonian uprising of the 1820s and ’30s; the Progressive Era, which began in the 1890s; and the social-protest movements of the 1960s and early ’70s.

These moments share certain features. People feel disgusted by the state of society. Trust in institutions plummets. Moral indignation is widespread. Contempt for established power is intense.

A highly moralistic generation appears on the scene. It uses new modes of communication to seize control of the national conversation. Groups formerly outside of power rise up and take over the system. These are moments of agitation and excitement, frenzy and accusation, mobilization and passion.

In 1981, Huntington predicted that the next moral convulsion would hit America around the second or third decade of the 21st century—that is, right about now. And, of course, he was correct. Our moment of moral convulsion began somewhere around the mid-2010s, with the rise of a range of outsider groups: the white nationalists who helped bring Donald Trump to power; the young socialists who upended the neoliberal consensus and brought us Bernie Sanders and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez; activist students on campus; the Black Lives Matter movement, which rose to prominence after the killings of Eric Garner, Michael Brown, and Tamir Rice. Systems lost legitimacy. The earthquake had begun.

The events of 2020—the coronavirus pandemic; the killing of George Floyd; militias, social-media mobs, and urban unrest—were like hurricanes that hit in the middle of that earthquake. They did not cause the moral convulsion, but they accelerated every trend. They flooded the ravines that had opened up in American society and exposed every flaw.

Now, as we enter the final month of the election, this period of convulsion careens toward its climax. Donald Trump is in the process of shredding every norm of decent behavior and wrecking every institution he touches. Unable to behave responsibly, unable to protect himself from COVID-19, unable to even tell the country the truth about his own medical condition, he undermines the basic credibility of the government and arouses the suspicion that every word and act that surrounds him is a lie and a fraud. Finally, he threatens to undermine the legitimacy of our democracy in November and incite a vicious national conflagration that would leave us a charred and shattered nation. Trump is the final instrument of this crisis, but the conditions that brought him to power and make him so dangerous at this moment were decades in the making, and those conditions will not disappear if he is defeated.

From the July/August 2020 issue: History will judge the complicit

This essay is an account of the convulsion that brought us to this fateful moment. Its central focus is social trust. Social trust is a measure of the moral quality of a society—of whether the people and institutions in it are trustworthy, whether they keep their promises and work for the common good. When people in a church lose faith or trust in God, the church collapses. When people in a society lose faith or trust in their institutions and in each other, the nation collapses.

This is an account of how, over the past few decades, America became a more untrustworthy society. It is an account of how, under the stresses of 2020, American institutions and the American social order crumbled and were revealed as more untrustworthy still. We had a chance, in crisis, to pull together as a nation and build trust. We did not. That has left us a broken, alienated society caught in a distrust doom loop.

Read: Trust is collapsing in America

When moral convulsions recede, the national consciousness is transformed. New norms and beliefs, new values for what is admired and disdained, arise. Power within institutions gets renegotiated. Shifts in the collective consciousness are no merry ride; they come amid fury and chaos, when the social order turns liquid and nobody has any idea where things will end. Afterward, people sit blinking, battered, and shocked: What kind of nation have we become?

We can already glimpse pieces of the world after the current cataclysm. The most important changes are moral and cultural. The Baby Boomers grew up in the 1950s and ’60s, an era of family stability, widespread prosperity, and cultural cohesion. The mindset they embraced in the late ’60s and have embodied ever since was all about rebelling against authority, unshackling from institutions, and celebrating freedom, individualism, and liberation.

The emerging generations today enjoy none of that sense of security. They grew up in a world in which institutions failed, financial systems collapsed, and families were fragile. Children can now expect to have a lower quality of life than their parents, the pandemic rages, climate change looms, and social media is vicious. Their worldview is predicated on threat, not safety. Thus the values of the Millennial and Gen Z generations that will dominate in the years ahead are the opposite of Boomer values: not liberation, but security; not freedom, but equality; not individualism, but the safety of the collective; not sink-or-swim meritocracy, but promotion on the basis of social justice. Once a generation forms its general viewpoint during its young adulthood, it generally tends to carry that mentality with it to the grave 60 years later. A new culture is dawning. The Age of Precarity is here.

How America Ends

The President Is Winning His War on American Institutions

The New Reconstruction

One question has haunted me while researching this essay: Are we living through a pivot or a decline? During past moral convulsions, Americans rose to the challenge. They built new cultures and institutions, initiated new reforms—and a renewed nation went on to its next stage of greatness. I’ve spent my career rebutting the idea that America is in decline, but the events of these past six years, and especially of 2020, have made clear that we live in a broken nation. The cancer of distrust has spread to every vital organ.

Renewal is hard to imagine. Destruction is everywhere, and construction difficult to see. The problem goes beyond Donald Trump. The stench of national decline is in the air. A political, social, and moral order is dissolving. America will only remain whole if we can build a new order in its place.

The Age of Disappointment

The story begins , at least for me, in August 1991, in Moscow, where I was reporting for The Wall Street Journal . In a last desperate bid to preserve their regime, a group of hard-liners attempted a coup against the president of the Soviet Union, Mikhail Gorbachev. As Soviet troops and tanks rolled into Moscow, democratic activists gathered outside the Russian parliament building to oppose them. Boris Yeltsin, the president of Russia, mounted a tank and stood the coup down.

In that square, I met a 94-year-old woman who was passing out sandwiches to support the democratic protesters. Her name was Valentina Kosieva. She came to embody for me the 20th century, and all the suffering and savagery we were leaving behind as we marched—giddily, in those days—into the Information Age. She was born in 1898 in Samara. In 1905, she said, the Cossacks launched pogroms in her town and shot her uncle and her cousin. She was nearly killed after the Russian Revolution of 1917. She had innocently given shelter to some anti-Communist soldiers for “humanitarian reasons.” When the Reds came the next day, they decided to execute her. Only her mother’s pleadings saved her life.

In 1937, the Soviet secret police raided her apartment based on false suspicions, arrested her husband, and told her family they had 20 minutes to vacate. Her husband was sent to Siberia, where he died from either disease or execution—she never found out which. During World War II, she became a refugee, exchanging all her possessions for food. Her son was captured by the Nazis and beaten to death at the age of 17. After the Germans retreated, the Soviets ripped her people, the Kalmyks, from their homes and sent them into internal exile. For decades, she led a hidden life, trying to cover the fact that she was the widow of a supposed Enemy of the People.

Every trauma of Soviet history had happened to this woman. Amid the tumult of what we thought was the birth of a new, democratic Russia, she told me her story without bitterness or rancor. “If you get a letter completely free from self-pity,” Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn once wrote, it can only be from a victim of Soviet terror. “They are used to the worst the world can do, and nothing can depress them.” Kosieva had lived to see the death of this hated regime and the birth of a new world.

Those were the days of triumphant globalization. Communism was falling. Apartheid was ending. The Arab-Israeli dispute was calming down. Europe was unifying. China was prospering. In the United States, a moderate Republican president, George H. W. Bush, gave way to the first Baby Boomer president, a moderate Democrat, Bill Clinton. The American economy grew nicely. The racial wealth gap narrowed. All the great systems of society seemed to be working: capitalism, democracy, pluralism, diversity, globalization. It seemed, as Francis Fukuyama wrote in his famous “The End of History?” essay for The National Interest , “an unabashed victory for economic and political liberalism.”

We think of the 1960s as the classic Boomer decade, but the false summer of the 1990s was the high-water mark of that ethos. The first great theme of that era was convergence. Walls were coming down. Everybody was coming together. The second theme was the triumph of classical liberalism. Liberalism was not just a philosophy—it was a spirit and a zeitgeist, a faith that individual freedom would blossom in a loosely networked democratic capitalist world. Enterprise and creativity would be unleashed. America was the great embodiment and champion of this liberation. The third theme was individualism. Society flourished when individuals were liberated from the shackles of society and the state, when they had the freedom to be true to themselves.

For his 2001 book, Moral Freedom , the political scientist Alan Wolfe interviewed a wide array of Americans. The moral culture he described was no longer based on mainline Protestantism, as it had been for generations. Instead, Americans, from urban bobos to suburban evangelicals, were living in a state of what he called moral freedom : the belief that life is best when each individual finds his or her own morality—inevitable in a society that insists on individual freedom.

When you look back on it from the vantage of 2020, moral freedom, like the other dominant values of the time, contained within it a core assumption: If everybody does their own thing, then everything will work out for everybody. If everybody pursues their own economic self-interest, then the economy will thrive for all. If everybody chooses their own family style, then children will prosper. If each individual chooses his or her own moral code, then people will still feel solidarity with one another and be decent to one another. This was an ideology of maximum freedom and minimum sacrifice.

It all looks naive now. We were naive about what the globalized economy would do to the working class, naive to think the internet would bring us together, naive to think the global mixing of people would breed harmony, naive to think the privileged wouldn’t pull up the ladders of opportunity behind them. We didn’t predict that oligarchs would steal entire nations, or that demagogues from Turkey to the U.S. would ignite ethnic hatreds. We didn’t see that a hyper-competitive global meritocracy would effectively turn all of childhood into elite travel sports where a few privileged performers get to play and everyone else gets left behind.

Over the 20 years after I sat with Kosieva, it all began to unravel. The global financial crisis had hit, the Middle East was being ripped apart by fanatics. On May 15, 2011, street revolts broke out in Spain, led by the self-declared Indignados—“the outraged.” “They don’t represent us!” they railed as an insult to the Spanish establishment. It would turn out to be the cry of a decade.

We are living in the age of that disappointment. Millennials and members of Gen Z have grown up in the age of that disappointment, knowing nothing else. In the U.S. and elsewhere, this has produced a crisis of faith, across society but especially among the young. It has produced a crisis of trust.

The Trust Fall

Social trust is the confidence that other people will do what they ought to do most of the time. In a restaurant I trust you to serve untainted fish and you trust me not to skip out on the bill. Social trust is a generalized faith in the people of your community. It consists of smaller faiths. It begins with the assumption that we are interdependent, our destinies linked. It continues with the assumption that we share the same moral values. We share a sense of what is the right thing to do in different situations. As Kevin Vallier of Bowling Green State University argues in his forthcoming book, Trust in a Polarized Age , social trust also depends on a sense that we share the same norms. If two lanes of traffic are merging into one, the drivers in each lane are supposed to take turns. If you butt in line, I’ll honk indignantly. I’ll be angry, and I’ll want to enforce the small fairness rules that make our society function smoothly.

High-trust societies have what Fukuyama calls spontaneous sociability . People are able to organize more quickly, initiate action, and sacrifice for the common good. When you look at research on social trust, you find all sorts of virtuous feedback loops. Trust produces good outcomes, which then produce more trust. In high-trust societies, corruption is lower and entrepreneurship is catalyzed. Higher-trust nations have lower economic inequality , because people feel connected to each other and are willing to support a more generous welfare state. People in high-trust societies are more civically engaged. Nations that score high in social trust —like the Netherlands, Sweden, China, and Australia—have rapidly growing or developed economies. Nations with low social trust —like Brazil, Morocco, and Zimbabwe—have struggling economies. As the ethicist Sissela Bok once put it, “Whatever matters to human beings, trust is the atmosphere in which it thrives.”

During most of the 20th century, through depression and wars, Americans expressed high faith in their institutions. In 1964, for example, 77 percent of Americans said they trusted the federal government to do the right thing most or all of the time. Then came the last two moral convulsions. In the late 1960s and ’70s, amid Vietnam and Watergate, trust in institutions collapsed. By 1994, only one in five Americans said they trusted government to do the right thing. Then came the Iraq War and the financial crisis and the election of Donald Trump. Institutional trust levels remained pathetically low . What changed was the rise of a large group of people who were actively and poisonously alienated—who were not only distrustful but explosively distrustful. Explosive distrust is not just an absence of trust or a sense of detached alienation—it is an aggressive animosity and an urge to destroy. Explosive distrust is the belief that those who disagree with you are not just wrong but illegitimate. In 1997, 64 percent of Americans had a great or good deal of trust in the political competence of their fellow citizens ; today only a third of Americans feel that way.

Falling trust in institutions is bad enough; it’s when people lose faith in each other that societies really begin to fall apart. In most societies, interpersonal trust is stable over the decades. But for some—like Denmark, where about 75 percent say the people around them are trustworthy, and the Netherlands, where two-thirds say so—the numbers have actually risen.

In America, interpersonal trust is in catastrophic decline. In 2014, according to the General Social Survey conducted by NORC at the University of Chicago, only 30.3 percent of Americans agreed that “most people can be trusted,” the lowest number the survey has recorded since it started asking the question in 1972. Today, a majority of Americans say they don’t trust other people when they first meet them .

Is mistrust based on distorted perception or is it a reflection of reality? Are people increasingly mistrustful because they are watching a lot of negative media and get a falsely dark view of the world? Or are they mistrustful because the world is less trustworthy, because people lie, cheat, and betray each other more than they used to?

There’s evidence to suggest that marital infidelity , academic cheating , and animal cruelty are all on the rise in America, but it’s hard to directly measure the overall moral condition of society—how honest people are, and how faithful. The evidence suggests that trust is an imprint left by experience, not a distorted perception. Trust is the ratio between the number of people who betray you and the number of people who remain faithful to you. It’s not clear that there is more betrayal in America than there used to be—but there are certainly fewer faithful supports around people than there used to be. Hundreds of books and studies on declining social capital and collapsing family structure demonstrate this. In the age of disappointment, people are less likely to be surrounded by faithful networks of people they can trust.

Thus the Harvard political scientist Robert Putnam argues that it’s a great mistake to separate the attitude (trust) from the behavior (morally right action). People become trusting when the world around them is trustworthy. When they are surrounded by people who live up to their commitments. When they experience their country as a fair place. As Vallier puts it, trust levels are a reflection of the moral condition of a nation at any given time. I’d add that high national trust is a collective moral achievement. High national distrust is a sign that people have earned the right to be suspicious. Trust isn’t a virtue—it’s a measure of other people’s virtue.

Unsurprisingly, the groups with the lowest social trust in America are among the most marginalized. Trust, like much else, is unequally distributed across American society, and the inequality is getting worse. Each of these marginalized groups has seen an additional and catastrophic decline in trust over the past few years.

Black Americans have been one of the most ill-treated groups in American history; their distrust is earned distrust. In 2018, 37.3 percent of white Americans felt that most people can be trusted, according to the General Social Survey, but only 15.3 percent of Black Americans felt the same. This is not general misanthropy. Black Americans have high trust in other Black Americans; it’s the wider society they don’t trust, for good and obvious reasons. And Black perceptions of America’s fairness have tumbled further in the age of disappointment. In 2002, 43 percent of Black Americans were very or somewhat satisfied with the way Black people are treated in the U.S. By 2018, only 18 percent felt that way, according to Gallup .

The second disenfranchised low-trust group includes the lower-middle class and the working poor. According to Tim Dixon, an economist and the co-author of a 2018 study that examined polarization in America, this group makes up about 40 percent of the country. “They are driven by the insecurity of their place in society and in the economy,” he says. They are distrustful of technology and are much more likely to buy into conspiracy theories. “They’re often convinced by stories that someone is trying to trick them, that the world is against them,” he says. Distrust motivated many in this group to vote for Donald Trump , to stick a thumb in the eye of the elites who had betrayed them.

This brings us to the third marginalized group that scores extremely high on social distrust: young adults. These are people who grew up in the age of disappointment. It’s the only world they know.

In 2012, 40 percent of Baby Boomers believed that most people can be trusted , as did 31 percent of members of Generation X. In contrast, only 19 percent of Millennials said most people can be trusted. Seventy-three percent of adults under 30 believe that “most of the time, people just look out for themselves,” according to a Pew survey from 2018 . Seventy-one percent of those young adults say that most people “would try to take advantage of you if they got a chance.”

Many young people look out at a world they believe is screwed up and untrustworthy in fundamental ways. A mere 10 percent of Gen Zers trust politicians to do the right thing. Millennials are twice as likely as their grandparents to say that families should be able to opt out of vaccines. Only 35 percent of young people, versus 67 percent of old people, believe that Americans respect the rights of people who are not like them . Fewer than a third of Millennials say America is the greatest country in the world , compared to 64 percent of members of the Silent Generation.

Human beings need a basic sense of security in order to thrive; as the political scientist Ronald F. Inglehart puts it, their “values and behavior are shaped by the degree to which survival is secure.” In the age of disappointment, our sense of safety went away. Some of this is physical insecurity: school shootings, terrorist attacks, police brutality, and overprotective parenting at home that leaves young people incapable of handling real-world stress. But the true insecurity is financial, social, and emotional.

First, financial insecurity: By the time the Baby Boomers hit a median age of 35, their generation owned 21 percent of the nation’s wealth. As of last year, Millennials—who will hit an average age of 35 in three years— owned just 3.2 percent of the nation’s wealth .

Next, emotional insecurity: Americans today experience more instability than at any period in recent memory— fewer children growing up in married two-parent households , more single-parent households , more depression , and higher suicide rates .

Then, identity insecurity. People today live in what the late sociologist Zygmunt Bauman called liquid modernity . All the traits that were once assigned to you by your community, you must now determine on your own: your identity, your morality, your gender, your vocation, your purpose, and the place of your belonging. Self-creation becomes a major anxiety-inducing act of young adulthood.

Finally, social insecurity. In the age of social media our “sociometers”—the antennae we use to measure how other people are seeing us—are up and on high alert all the time. Am I liked? Am I affirmed? Why do I feel invisible? We see ourselves in how we think others see us. Their snarkiness turns into my self-doubt, their criticism into my shame, their obliviousness into my humiliation. Danger is ever present. “For many people, it is impossible to think without simultaneously thinking about what other people would think about what you’re thinking,” the educator Fredrik deBoer has written. “This is exhausting and deeply unsatisfying. As long as your self-conception is tied up in your perception of other people’s conception of you, you will never be free to occupy a personality with confidence; you’re always at the mercy of the next person’s dim opinion of you and your whole deal.”

In this world, nothing seems safe; everything feels like chaos.

The Distrust Mindset

Distrust sows distrust . It produces the spiritual state that Emile Durkheim called anomie , a feeling of being disconnected from society, a feeling that the whole game is illegitimate, that you are invisible and not valued, a feeling that the only person you can really trust is yourself.

Distrustful people try to make themselves invulnerable, armor themselves up in a sour attempt to feel safe. Distrust and spiritual isolation lead people to flee intimacy and try to replace it with stimulation. Distrust, anxiety, and anomie are at the root of the 73 percent increase in depression among Americans aged 18 to 25 from 2007 to 2018, and of the shocking rise in suicide . “When we have no one to trust, our brains can self-destruct,” Ulrich Boser writes in his book on the science of trust, The Leap .

People plagued by distrust can start to see threats that aren’t there; they become risk averse. Americans take fewer risks and are much less entrepreneurial than they used to be. In 2014, the rate of business start-ups hit a nearly 40-year low . Since the early 1970s, the rate at which people move across state lines each year has dropped by 56 percent. People lose faith in experts. They lose faith in truth, in the flow of information that is the basis of modern society. “A world of truth is a world of trust, and vice versa,” Rabbi Jonathan Sacks writes in his book Morality .

In periods of distrust, you get surges of populism; populism is the ideology of those who feel betrayed. Contempt for “insiders” rises, as does suspicion toward anybody who holds authority. People are drawn to leaders who use the language of menace and threat, who tell group-versus-group power narratives. You also get a lot more political extremism. People seek closed, rigid ideological systems that give them a sense of security. As Hannah Arendt once observed, fanaticism is a response to existential anxiety. When people feel naked and alone, they revert to tribe. Their radius of trust shrinks, and they only trust their own kind. Donald Trump is the great emblem of an age of distrust—a man unable to love, unable to trust. When many Americans see Trump’s distrust, they see a man who looks at the world as they do.

By February 2020, America was a land mired in distrust. Then the plague arrived.

The Failure of Institutions

From the start , the pandemic has hit the American mind with sledgehammer force. Anxiety and depression have spiked. In April, Gallup recorded a record drop in self-reported well-being, as the share of Americans who said they were thriving fell to the same low point as during the Great Recession. These kinds of drops tend to produce social upheavals. A similar drop was seen in Tunisian well-being just before the street protests that led to the Arab Spring.

The emotional crisis seems to have hit low-trust groups the hardest. Pew found that “low trusters” were more nervous during the early months of the pandemic, more likely to have trouble sleeping, more likely to feel depressed, less likely to say the public authorities were responding well to the pandemic. Eighty-one percent of Americans under 30 reported feeling anxious, depressed, lonely, or hopeless at least one day in the previous week, compared to 48 percent of adults 60 and over.

Americans looked to their governing institutions to keep them safe. And nearly every one of their institutions betrayed them. The president downplayed the crisis, and his administration was a daily disaster area. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention produced faulty tests, failed to provide up-to-date data on infections and deaths, and didn’t provide a trustworthy voice for a scared public. The Food and Drug Administration wouldn’t allow private labs to produce their own tests without a lengthy approval process.

The sense of betrayal was magnified when people looked abroad. In nations that ranked high on the World Values Survey measure of interpersonal trust—like China, Australia, and most of the Nordic states—leaders were able to mobilize quickly, come up with a plan, and count on citizens to comply with the new rules. In low-trust nations—like Mexico, Spain, and Brazil—there was less planning, less compliance, less collective action, and more death. Countries that fell somewhere in the middle—including the U.S., Germany, and Japan—had a mixed record depending on the quality of their leadership. South Korea, where more than 65 percent of people say they trust government when it comes to health care, was able to build a successful test-and-trace regime. In America, where only 31 percent of Republicans and 44 percent of Democrats say the government should be able to use cellphone data to track compliance with experts’ coronavirus social-contact guidelines, such a system was never really implemented.

Francis Fukuyama: Trust makes the difference against the coronavirus

For decades, researchers have been warning about institutional decay. Institutions get caught up in one of those negative feedback loops that are so common in a world of mistrust. They become ineffective and lose legitimacy. People who lose faith in them tend not to fund them. Talented people don’t go to work for them. They become more ineffective still. In 1969, Daniel Patrick Moynihan made this core point in a memo to his boss-to-be, President-elect Richard Nixon: “In one form or another all of the major domestic problems facing you derive from the erosion of the authority of the institutions of American society. This is a mysterious process of which the most that can be said is that once it starts it tends not to stop.”

On the right, this anti-institutional bias has manifested itself as hatred of government; an unwillingness to defer to expertise, authority, and basic science; and a reluctance to fund the civic infrastructure of society, such as a decent public health system. In state after state Republican governors sat inert, unwilling to organize or to exercise authority, believing that individuals should be free to take care of themselves.

On the left, distrust of institutional authority has manifested as a series of checks on power that have given many small actors the power to stop common plans, producing what Fukuyama calls a vetocracy . Power to the people has meant no power to do anything, and the result is a national NIMBYism that blocks social innovation in case after case.

In 2020, American institutions groaned and sputtered. Academics wrote up plan after plan and lobbed them onto the internet. Few of them went anywhere. America had lost the ability to build new civic structures to respond to ongoing crises like climate change, opioid addiction, and pandemics, or to reform existing ones.

From the October 2020 issue: Can American democracy be saved?

In high-trust eras, according to Yuval Levin, who is an American Enterprise Institute scholar and the author of A Time to Build: From Family and Community to Congress and the Campus, How Recommitting to Our Institutions Can Revive the American Dream , people have more of a “first-person-plural” instinct to ask, “What can we do?” In a lower-trust era like today, Levin told me, “there is a greater instinct to say, ‘ They’re failing us.’ We see ourselves as outsiders to the systems—an outsider mentality that’s hard to get out of.”

Americans haven’t just lost faith in institutions; they’ve come to loathe them, even to think that they are evil. A Democracy Fund + UCLA Nationscape survey found that 55 percent of Americans believe that the coronavirus that causes COVID-19 was created in a lab and 59 percent believe that the U.S. government is concealing the true number of deaths. Half of all Fox News viewers believe that Bill Gates is plotting a mass-vaccination campaign so he can track people. This spring, nearly a third of Americans were convinced that it was probably or definitely true that a vaccine existed but was being withheld by the government. When Trump was hospitalized for COVID-19 on October 2, many people conspiratorially concluded that the administration was lying about his positive diagnosis for political gain. When government officials briefed the nation about how sick he was, many people assumed they were obfuscating, which in fact they were.

The failure of and withdrawal from institutions decimated America’s pandemic response, but the damage goes beyond that. That’s because institutions like the law, the government, the police, and even the family don’t merely serve social functions, Levin said; they form the individuals who work and live within them. The institutions provide rules to live by, standards of excellence to live up to, social roles to fulfill.

By 2020, people had stopped seeing institutions as places they entered to be morally formed, Levin argued. Instead, they see institutions as stages on which they can perform, can display their splendid selves. People run for Congress not so they can legislate, but so they can get on TV. People work in companies so they can build their personal brand. The result is a world in which institutions not only fail to serve their social function and keep us safe, they also fail to form trustworthy people. The rot in our structures spreads to a rot in ourselves.

The Failure of Society

The coronavirus has confronted America with a social dilemma. A social dilemma, the University of Pennsylvania scholar Cristina Bicchieri notes , is “a situation in which each group member gets a higher outcome if she pursues her individual self-interest, but everyone in the group is better off if all group members further the common interest.” Social distancing is a social dilemma. Many low-risk individuals have been asked to endure some large pain (unemployment, bankruptcy) and some small inconvenience (mask wearing) for the sake of the common good. If they could make and keep this moral commitment to each other in the short term, the curve would be crushed, and in the long run we’d all be better off. It is the ultimate test of American trustworthiness.

In March and April, vast majorities of Americans said they supported social distancing, and society seemed to be coming together. It didn’t last. Americans locked down a bit in early March, but never as much as people in some other countries. By mid-April, they told themselves—and pollsters—that they were still socially distancing, but that was increasingly a self-deception. While pretending to be rigorous, people relaxed and started going out. It was like watching somebody gradually give up on a diet. There wasn’t a big moment of capitulation, just an extra chocolate bar here, a bagel there, a scoop of ice cream before bed. By May, most people had become less strict about quarantining. Many states officially opened up in June when infection rates were still much higher than in countries that had successfully contained the disease. On June 20, 500,000 people went to reopened bars and nightspots in Los Angeles County alone.

You can blame Trump or governors or whomever you like, but in reality this was a mass moral failure of Republicans and Democrats and independents alike. This was a failure of social solidarity, a failure to look out for each other.

Alexis de Tocqueville discussed a concept called the social body . Americans were clearly individualistic, he observed, but they shared common ideas and common values, and could, when needed, produce common action. They could form a social body. Over time, those common values eroded, and were replaced by a value system that put personal freedom above every other value. When Americans were confronted with the extremely hard task of locking down for months without any of the collective resources that would have made it easier—habits of deference to group needs; a dense network of community bonds to help hold each other accountable; a history of trust that if you do the right thing, others will too; preexisting patterns of cooperation; a sense of shame if you deviate from the group—they couldn’t do it. America failed.

By August, most Americans understood the failure. Seventy-two percent of Danes said they felt more united after the COVID-19 outbreak. Only 18 percent of Americans felt the same.

The Crack-up

In the spring and summer of 2020 , six years of moral convulsion came to a climax. This wasn’t just a political and social crisis, it was also an emotional trauma. The week before George Floyd was killed, the National Center for Health Statistics released data showing that a third of all Americans were showing signs of clinical anxiety or depression. By early June, after Floyd’s death, the percentage of Black Americans showing clinical signs of depression and anxiety disorders had jumped from 36 to 41 percent. Depression and anxiety rates were three times those of the year before. At the end of June, one-quarter of young adults aged 18 to 24 said they had contemplated suicide during the previous 30 days.

A rope with the colors of the U.S. flag breaking apart

In the immediate aftermath of his death, Floyd became the emblematic American—the symbol of a society in which no one, especially Black Americans, was safe. The protests, which took place in every state, were diverse. The young white people at those marches weren’t only marching as allies of Black people. They were marching for themselves, as people who grew up in a society they couldn’t fully trust. Two low-trust sectors of American society formed an alliance to demand change.

From the September 2020 issue: Is this the beginning of the end of American racism?

By late June, American national pride was lower than at any time since Gallup started measuring, in 2001. American happiness rates were at their lowest level in nearly 50 years. In another poll, 71 percent of Americans said they were angry about the state of the country, and just 17 percent said they were proud. According to an NBC News/ Wall Street Journal poll, 80 percent of American voters believe that “things in the country are out of control.” Gun sales in June were 145 percent higher than in the previous year. By late June, it was clear that America was enduring a full-bore crisis of legitimacy, an epidemic of alienation, and a loss of faith in the existing order.

Years of distrust burst into a torrent of rage. There were times when the entire social fabric seemed to be disintegrating. Violence rocked places like Portland, Kenosha, and beyond. The murder rates soared in city after city. The most alienated, anarchic actors in society—antifa, the Proud Boys, QAnon—seemed to be driving events. The distrust doom loop was now at hand.

From the June 2020 issue: The prophecies of Q

The Age of Precarity

Cultures are collective responses to common problems. But when reality changes, culture takes a few years, and a moral convulsion, to completely shake off the old norms and values.

The culture that is emerging, and which will dominate American life over the next decades, is a response to a prevailing sense of threat. This new culture values security over liberation, equality over freedom, the collective over the individual. We’re seeing a few key shifts.

From risk to security . As Albena Azmanova, a political theorist at the University of Kent, has argued, we’ve entered an age of precarity in which every political or social movement has an opportunity pole and a risk pole. In the opportunity mentality, risk is embraced because of the upside possibilities. In the risk mindset, security is embraced because people need protection from downside dangers. In this period of convulsion, almost every party and movement has moved from its opportunity pole to its risk pole. Republicans have gone from Reaganesque free trade and open markets to Trumpesque closed borders. Democrats have gone from the neoliberalism of Kennedy and Clinton to security-based policies like a universal basic income and the protections offered by a vastly expanded welfare state. Campus culture has gone from soft moral relativism to strict moralism. Evangelicalism has gone from the open evangelism of Billy Graham to the siege mentality of Franklin Graham .

From achievement to equality . The culture that emerged from the 1960s upheavals put heavy emphasis on personal development and personal growth. The Boomers emerged from, and then purified, a competitive meritocracy that put career achievement at the center of life and boosted those who succeeded into ever more exclusive lifestyle enclaves.

In the new culture we are entering, that meritocratic system looks more and more like a ruthless sorting system that excludes the vast majority of people, rendering their life precarious and second class, while pushing the “winners” into a relentless go-go lifestyle that leaves them exhausted and unhappy . In the emerging value system, “privilege” becomes a shameful sin. The status rules flip. The people who have won the game are suspect precisely because they’ve won. Too-brazen signs of “success” are scrutinized and shamed. Equality becomes the great social and political goal. Any disparity—racial, economic, meritocratic—comes to seem hateful.

From self to society . If we’ve lived through an age of the isolated self, people in the emerging culture see embedded selves. Socialists see individuals embedded in their class group. Right-wing populists see individuals as embedded pieces of a national identity group. Left-wing critical theorists see individuals embedded in their racial, ethnic, gender, or sexual-orientation identity group. Each person speaks from the shared group consciousness. (“Speaking as a progressive gay BIPOC man …”) In an individualistic culture, status goes to those who stand out; in collective moments, status goes to those who fit in. The cultural mantra shifts from “Don’t label me!” to “My label is who I am.”

From global to local . A community is a collection of people who trust each other. Government follows the rivers of trust. When there is massive distrust of central institutions, people shift power to local institutions, where trust is higher. Power flows away from Washington to cities and states.

Derek Thompson: Why America’s institutions are failing

From liberalism to activism . Baby Boomer political activism began with a free-speech movement. This was a generation embedded in enlightenment liberalism, which was a long effort to reduce the role of passions in politics and increase the role of reason. Politics was seen as a competition between partial truths.

Liberalism is ill-suited for an age of precarity. It demands that we live with a lot of ambiguity, which is hard when the atmosphere already feels unsafe. Furthermore, it is thin. It offers an open-ended process of discovery when what people hunger for is justice and moral certainty. Moreover, liberalism’s niceties come to seem like a cover that oppressors use to mask and maintain their systems of oppression. Public life isn’t an exchange of ideas; it’s a conflict of groups engaged in a vicious death struggle. Civility becomes a “code for capitulation to those who want to destroy us,” as the journalist Dahlia Lithwick puts it .

The cultural shifts we are witnessing offer more safety to the individual at the cost of clannishness within society. People are embedded more in communities and groups, but in an age of distrust, groups look at each other warily, angrily, viciously. The shift toward a more communal viewpoint is potentially a wonderful thing, but it leads to cold civil war unless there is a renaissance of trust. There’s no avoiding the core problem. Unless we can find a way to rebuild trust, the nation does not function.

How to Rebuild Trust

When you ask political scientists or psychologists how a culture can rebuild social trust, they aren’t much help. There just haven’t been that many recent cases they can study and analyze. Historians have more to offer, because they can cite examples of nations that have gone from pervasive social decay to relative social health. The two most germane to our situation are Great Britain between 1830 and 1848 and the United States between 1895 and 1914.

People in these eras lived through experiences parallel to ours today. They saw the massive economic transitions caused by the Industrial Revolution. They experienced great waves of migration, both within the nation and from abroad. They lived with horrific political corruption and state dysfunction. And they experienced all the emotions associated with moral convulsions—the sort of indignation, shame, guilt, and disgust we’re experiencing today. In both periods, a highly individualistic and amoral culture was replaced by a more communal and moralistic one.

But there was a crucial difference between those eras and our own, at least so far. In both cases, moral convulsion led to frenetic action. As Richard Hofstadter put it in The Age of Reform , the feeling of indignation sparked a fervent and widespread desire to assume responsibility, to organize, to build. During these eras, people built organizations at a dazzling pace. In the 1830s, the Clapham Sect, a religious revival movement, campaigned for the abolition of slavery and promoted what we now think of as Victorian values. The Chartists, a labor movement, gathered the working class and motivated them to march and strike. The Anti-Corn Law League worked to reduce the power of the landed gentry and make food cheaper for the workers. These movements agitated from both the bottom up and the top down.

As Robert Putnam and Shaylyn Romney Garrett note in their forthcoming book, The Upswing , the American civic revival that began in the 1870s produced a stunning array of new organizations: the United Way, the NAACP, the Boy Scouts, the Forest Service, the Federal Reserve System, 4-H clubs, the Sierra Club, the settlement-house movement, the compulsory-education movement, the American Bar Association, the American Legion, the ACLU, and on and on. These were missional organizations, with clearly defined crusading purposes. They put tremendous emphasis on cultivating moral character and social duty—on honesty, reliability, vulnerability, and cooperativeness, and on shared values, rituals, and norms. They tended to place responsibility on people who had not been granted power before. “Few things help an individual more than to place responsibility upon him, and to let him know that you trust him,” Booker T. Washington wrote in his 1901 autobiography.

After the civic revivals, both nations witnessed frenetic political reform. During the 1830s, Britain passed the Reform Act, which widened the franchise; the Factory Act, which regulated workplaces; and the Municipal Corporations Act, which reformed local government. The Progressive Era in America saw an avalanche of reform: civil-service reform; food and drug regulation; the Sherman Act, which battled the trusts; the secret ballot; and so on. Civic life became profoundly moralistic, but political life became profoundly pragmatic and anti-ideological. Pragmatism and social-science expertise were valued.

Can America in the 2020s turn itself around the way the America of the 1890s, or the Britain of the 1830s, did? Can we create a civic renaissance and a legislative revolution? I’m not so sure. If you think we’re going back to the America that used to be—with a single cohesive mainstream culture; with an agile, trusted central government; with a few mainstream media voices that police a coherent national conversation; with an interconnected, respected leadership class; with a set of dominant moral values based on mainline Protestantism or some other single ethic—then you’re not being realistic. I see no scenario in which we return to being the nation we were in 1965, with a cohesive national ethos, a clear national establishment, trusted central institutions, and a pop-culture landscape in which people overwhelmingly watch the same shows and talked about the same things. We’re too beaten up for that. The age of distrust has smashed the converging America and the converging globe—that great dream of the 1990s—and has left us with the reality that our only plausible future is decentralized pluralism.

A model for that can be found in, of all places, Houston, Texas, one of the most diverse cities in America. At least 145 languages are spoken in the metro area. It has no real central downtown district, but, rather, a wide diversity of scattered downtowns and scattered economic and cultural hubs. As you drive across town you feel like you’re successively in Lagos, Hanoi, Mumbai, White Plains, Beverly Hills, Des Moines, and Mexico City. In each of these cultural zones, these islands of trust, there is a sense of vibrant activity and experimentation—and across the whole city there is an atmosphere of openness, and goodwill, and the American tendency to act and organize that Hofstadter discussed in The Age of Reform .

Not every place can or would want to be Houston—its cityscape is ugly, and I’m not a fan of its too-libertarian zoning policies—but in that rambling, scattershot city I see an image of how a hyper-diverse, and more trusting, American future might work.

The key to making decentralized pluralism work still comes down to one question: Do we have the energy to build new organizations that address our problems, the way the Brits did in the 1830s and Americans did in the 1890s? Personal trust can exist informally between two friends who rely on each other, but social trust is built within organizations in which people are bound together to do joint work, in which they struggle together long enough for trust to gradually develop, in which they develop shared understandings of what is expected of each other, in which they are enmeshed in rules and standards of behavior that keep them trustworthy when their commitments might otherwise falter. Social trust is built within the nitty-gritty work of organizational life : going to meetings, driving people places, planning events, sitting with the ailing, rejoicing with the joyous, showing up for the unfortunate. Over the past 60 years, we have given up on the Rotary Club and the American Legion and other civic organizations and replaced them with Twitter and Instagram. Ultimately, our ability to rebuild trust depends on our ability to join and stick to organizations.

From the June 2020 issue: We are living in a failed state

The period between the deaths of Eric Garner and Michael Brown in the summer of 2014 and the election of November 2020 represents the latest in a series of great transitional moments in American history. Whether we emerge from this transition stronger depends on our ability, from the bottom up and the top down, to build organizations targeted at our many problems. If history is any guide, this will be the work not of months, but of one or two decades.

For centuries, America was the greatest success story on earth, a nation of steady progress, dazzling achievement, and growing international power. That story threatens to end on our watch, crushed by the collapse of our institutions and the implosion of social trust. But trust can be rebuilt through the accumulation of small heroic acts—by the outrageous gesture of extending vulnerability in a world that is mean, by proffering faith in other people when that faith may not be returned. Sometimes trust blooms when somebody holds you against all logic, when you expected to be dropped. It ripples across society as multiplying moments of beauty in a storm.

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Exploring the Theme of Broken Trust in Toni Morrison’s Sula

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